I can remember just one time when an older woman stopped and took the time to compliment me on something I was doing with my son. I still remember exactly where we were, what happened and precisely how great it made me feel!
Unfortunately I also remember countless glares, stares and unwanted lectures from strangers. people telling me what I should or should not do with my baby, how many children I should have, (and at what age I should have them!) people assuming that my child was my younger brother or making obvious glances between my big pregnant belly and my ring-less left hand (my hands were too swollen to wear my wedding ring). I have left more than one store crying because of the rude things that were said to me. Granted, I was hormonal every time I left crying, but that is just ridiculous to be made to cry in a grocery store by an inconsiderate stranger!
On good days I can shrug off the glares and stares, on really good days I can ignore the people who swoop in to tell me what I MUST do with my child. But it is a struggle. Motherhood is hard. and a lot of days I could really use some one saying “hey! you are doing a great job!”. Unfortunately, people who are encouragers tend to be way more silent than the people who want to tell you what a poor job you must be doing because you are young.
Now that baby girl is here, I have been greeted in public with a new phrase. “my, you have your hands full don’t you?” While I prefer this to the glares I used to get, it still gets annoying. If I have a lot of errands to run I sometimes turn it into a game “I wonder how many times we’ll hear that phrase before we leave target today?…”Some days I have to mentally prepare myself to enter stores because of the comments/glances I know I will get from people.
So this is an appeal to all the random strangers that encounter young mothers. . . Instead of using your words to say something obvious like, “you have your hands full” why don’t you say something encouraging…It is apparent to everyone that I have my hands full, but let me make it clear, I wanted them to be. I love that they are full, so stop making it sound like its a bad thing!
But let’s be honest, I haven’t slept in 3 days, my baby wants to nurse every 5 minutes (it seems), my toddler has more energy than a zoo full of monkeys and I still haven’t figured out how to get both kids to nap at the same time! My dear randoms stranger, instead of looking at me with pity, and making me struggle not to feel bad or like I’ve made some grave error in my life, could you please smile, and say “what adorable kids” or “I bet you three have a lot of fun together” or “they look so happy” or ANYTHING positive. I’ve already been puked on multiple times today, my toddler probably kicked me in the head when I was getting him dressed, and I’m walking through this store singing my son’s favorite song about a tractor while trying not to forget anything from our shopping list! I’m fully covered on the ‘discouraged’ and ‘overwhelmed’ front. So please, if you have to say something, make it kind, and encouraging. I’ll make the time to listen, if you would take the time to say something nice.
*I feel like I have to add a disclaimer, I love my kids, it is SUCH a joy to be their mommy. I feel so completely blessed, although I do miss sleeping ;) I don’t regret anything, I just get annoyed. Most especially when I’m sleep deprived! and after thinking about this, I am personally going to make a habit of being actively encouraging to moms of little ones when I see them! because wow, I never knew how much they/we could really use the encouragement!
Stephanie says
Yep. I get that every time I walk into a store with my 4 kids (ages 3-9). Add that 3 of the 4 are boys and I really get comments. My all time favorite comment is: “Your husband must have a good job to afford so many kids.”
You are right – kids are a blessing and being a mom is hard work. Hang in there. You’ll sleep again one day. In the meantime, there’s caffeine. :)
futurehope says
oh wow. I haven’t gotten that one (of course I only have 2 kids!) but that is just crazy!!!
thanks for the encouragement! looking forward to the day (er, night) when I will sleep again.. Unfortunately caffeine doesn’t do anything to give me energy. How I wish it did!!! ;)
fragrantroses says
I don’t think “four” qualifies as “so many”. shesh. Anyway on to dear Hopeful. I fear I have said such a thing to a young mom like yourself. But you may misunderstand me. In the middle of Target, you don’t have the time for me to explain. But when I say, My you must have your hands full, I am looking longily at your youth and your children. God only gave me one living child, and we raised him with joy. But I would look at moms with multiple children and sigh. I wish my son had a sibling. Now he’s 24 and my own mortality is waving at me, I REALLY wish he had siblings. So when I comment about your full hands, I am really just sad that mine are no longer full. You soak up every moment that your babies give. You experience ever emotion a mom gets to have. Waste all the time you want snuggling up with that new baby. Because all too quickly life changes, and the silence comes to your home. And you long for the days you had your hands full.
futurehope says
You are right, I probably do misunderstand a lot of them…and there are times I can tell when people say it (like you do) in a happy reminiscing way. Those people smile at me and say it, and I can smile back and it doesn’t discourage me at all! … there are many others who say it in such a way though that makes me feel pittied or belittled and it’s hard not to get discouraged! But, looking at my babys’ faces usually helps because I wouldn’t trade them for ANYTHING! they bring me such joy, and I can’t believe how fast it’s going already!!! I can’t imagine a day when my hands are empty and they are grown :( eeeek! time needs to slow down a bit! lol I’m trying to soak it all in.
thanks so much for commenting, sharing your story, and for reminding me that not every one means it the way I take it! :D I appreciate it a lot!!!
Pamela says
Wonderful posts – and I am going to make it a point to be encouraging as well. I am sure I have said the “hands full” comment a time or 2 myself. Thanks for calling that to attention!
futurehope says
I know a lot of people say it and “mean well” :) it does get old though :P hehe glad you are encouraged to say more encouraging things!!! I never used to say encouraging things either, until I realized how absent encouragement can be from motherhood, and how it’s so NEEDED on hard days :P
Kathleen @ Kath Ink says
I don’t get those comments as often but I sure did when I had three kids, three and under. And also when the fourth one was added. I tried to learn how to respond so that my children would know that I view them as a joy. Often, I will say, “I love it!” “It’s the best job ever…” or something along those lines. It helps me not take anything in a discouraging way, too.
I laughed out loud when you said that you miss sleeping! I can so relate! I’ve always said that I could enjoy motherhood more if I had more sleep.
The most intrusive stranger comment was someone driving by when I had my son in a small tub ‘swimming’ outside. He is very pale. I had slathered him in sun screen. And a man driving by yelled out, “he’s going to get a sunburn.” It was such an implication that I didn’t know how to take care of my child! He did not get a sunburn that day. It still irks me when I think about that drive-by comment! That being said..your post certainly resonated with me!! Mom of four.
futurehope says
that is a good idea, I hadn’t even thought about how the kids might take it when they are old enough to understand!!! I like your “comebacks of joy” too! those are great!!!
I’m so sorry for what that man said to you! that’s just crazy!!! :(
Gisela says
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” 1 Thessalonians 5: 11 I try to keep this verse in mind all the time, but I so easily forget. I loved reading your post. I was never a “young Mom” I had my older boy when I was almost 34 and my younger son was born when I was 37 so, there : ) but I do agree with “Gragrantroses” comment. I believe that a lot of the women who would make a comment like those you’ve received make them more as a reflection of what they are feeling about their own personal situations at the time, not as a reflection of your parenting skills. I’ve always said that being a Mother is, without a doubt, the hardest job I’ve ever done (and I’ve done many jobs : ) nothing compares to motherhood. And it is forever. 24/7 until you die : ) I love being a Mother, but I still remember those early days when my boys were babies…that was tough and I don’t think there are many Mothers out there who can truly say they enjoyed the sleep deprivation and the hormonal-infused emotional roller coaster of those days. We do have to cherish them, though, because we blink and they are gone…like a vapor. You’ll have the memories. In the meantime, do as you said, and encourage other fellow young Moms, and Moms in general as you journey in this adventure of Motherhood. I’m proud of you! You ARE doing a great job! Many blessings. BTW, I’m visiting from Finding Joy: Friday Favorites
futurehope says
Thank you so much for the encouraging words! and the verse! what a good one to keep in mind!!! <3
CaptainConundrum says
I’m doing a series on something I call “girlcotts” (i.e. the opposite of boycotts– meant to encourage, fund, or support something instead of withdraw support and be against it, something I think Christians have become known for doing and which isn’t exactly a good thing) and I was toying with the idea of making one of them “encouragement”. You just gave me an excellent incentive and reminder of how much Christians need to be encouraging of one another, and others too, so now I’ll definitely be making that a theme! Thanks for the reinforcement!
futurehope says
That is such a neat idea! looking forward to reading abou it!!
Gabrielle says
Great post! I can totally relate! I’ve stayed in the house quite a bit since my third baby arrived two weeks ago, primarily because I’m recovering from a c-section. But I heard this daily in the hospital, and I also heard it a lot when I was pregnant. If it weren’t paired with the “you must be done having kids” comment, then perhaps we could assume good motives. But especially with the other negative comment, there’s really no other way to take it but as a little bit of condemnation for 1) having the audacity to have several children, after having one boy and one girl (because that’s the “perfect family,” therefore I should be “done” now.) or 2) having the audacity to take my children in public. Evidently I’m supposed to put them in daycare or mother’s day out.
Or so I hear.
Sorry, I guess I needed to vent too.
futurehope says
no worries. feel free to vent! ;)
hope your recovery is going well!! have gotten the “you must be done now/perfect family” comment a lot too. It bothers me a lot. Even though we’re not planning on getting pregnant again, I don’t feel like it’s a topic to be discussed in grocrey stores with total strangers!
LydiaCate says
You know I really think sometimes people just don’t know what to say. And I think their comments are less about us and more about themselves and their own feelings of regret or inadequecy maybe. I have 6 children and I have had comments from, “Do you know what causes this?”, to “How many are you going to have?” I used to feel offended at what I felt like where personal questions, but I’ve learned to just smile. It is the Lord who has blessed me with these children. It’s busy, hard, tiring, some days frustrating, and it’s a blessing in more ways than I can say here and oh so worth it. You are a great mom! I read it in your words. So keep smilin’ and loving those babies! You have the most important job on this planet!!
futurehope says
I like that you say their comments are less about us and more about them. That makes a lot of sense, and will be good to keep in mind! thanks for that!!!
and thanks so much for the encouragement. I want to be a good mom so bad!!!
Laura says
Lol!!!! This is just so awesome! I’m so there with you.
futurehope says
sorry you get it too, but I’m glad to not be alone :P
Ashley Ditto says
New to your blog! Love this!
futurehope says
Thanks! glad to have you here!
Rachel says
Growing up at the oldest of seven kids, I heard lots of comments people made about the size of our family. Including one from a friend of mine, who said, “If I had as many sisters as you do, I’d kill myself.” And that was back when there were only six of us.
People too often feel they need to say something. But hey, if you start young, that just means that in another 20 years you’ll get to be a young and active grandma!
futurehope says
wow. those are some really sad comments :(
lol I have thought the same thing, that I’m gonna be a really young gramma! hehehe It’s tough but I love it!
Keri at Growing in His Glory says
Well, I can totally relate and feel the exact same wey! I have a newborn plus a 3 YO and 1 YO, so when we go to the store, I hear the same things you hear all the time. I really wish people didn’t see having multiple young children as such a burden. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s wonderful! Yes, we struggle and I know we may look odd with our cowboy boots and dresses and whatever concoction my girls might be wearing, but they are happy and healthy.
Glad to know I’m not alone! Blessings to you!
futurehope says
awww you know, I kinda can’t wait til little man is old enough to want to dress himself in crazy stuff. I think it’s adorable when kids do that. I always think “now there’s a good mom, letting the kids wear whatever they want”. I love it!
Danielle says
As a new (homeschooling) mother to baby #5, I hear that often. I have gotten to simply smiling and saying, “They do keep me busy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” It lets them know I am happy with my “situation” and it allows me to mentally turn their negative comment into a positive thought for myself. Many women in society today have grown up believing that we are not supposed to be happy as mothers and wives and they look for opportunities to express those thoughts. I think it is up to those who do treasure these roles to let them know that is okay to enjoy motherhood.
futurehope says
I like that you intentionally turn the negative into a positive in your mind. that is genius! :) will try to start doing that myself as well.
thanks for leaving your link. will visit your blog soon :)
Jenny says
Oh gosh, I used to get that all the time too. I was young when I married, one week past my 18th birthday, and was pregnant within six months, and I never looked my age when I was younger. The thing was, I never wanted to be anything but a Mom. To me that was always my goal in life, and to be a great Mom, and then to be a great aunt, and now it is to be a great grandma (we are blessed at this point to have seven grandchildren and another on the way).
So every time I heard that from someone, my thoughts were thankfulness. Thanks be to God that I had them. Thanks be to God that they filled my days and nights (and yes, even sleep time) with so much love.
You are truly blessed just to see that part of life :) Your children are very lucky to have you as a Momma, because your love for them shines through everything that you have said. Sometimes people are admiring and just don’t know what to say.
And I also agree with the advice that sleep will come again eventually, and some day, you will be putting your grandchild to bed at night, remembering these days, and thanks will come again to your heart.
God is so good.
futurehope says
wow. thank you for those incredible words. I love hearing from people in your generation, because you have been in my shoes, and have made it through sane and joyful! that is so good to think about when the nights are long and the days are crazy!!! thank you so much for that!!!
OneMommy says
I hear ya! A little encouragement from a stranger from time to time has helped lift me up on those days when the youngest hasn’t slept or the oldest is making me feel like I’m the world’s worst momma. We are already hard enough on ourselves, we don’t need a stranger to make it worse.
Stopping in from PYHO
futurehope says
so true! my son has had me worried about my mommy skills lately too :/ kinda glad I’m not the only one <3
Joyfulmomof6 says
With 6 children, including one with autism, I get that all the time, but it’s usually not negative. It’s more like they are awestruck and then they add “I could NEVER do what you do”.
My reply to “you’ve got your hands full” is to smile sweetly and say “Yes, and my heart, too”. Or I use it as an opportunity to witness that it is nothing in ME that is able to do it, but it is the Lord working in me.
futurehope says
amen! I think I would be a very impatient angry mama if it weren’t for God’s grace working in my life!
momof12 says
Amen! I get comments all the time and they started when I was 19 and had my first. The one that bothered me the most was when I had #6. One of my very best friends made nasty comments about birth control, populating the world single-handedly, you know… I think she was probably kidding, but it pretty much destroyed our friendship. Now people just shake their head at me and say, “Are you done?”
Sandy
futurehope says
awww I’m sorry your friend said that to you! I haven’t had anything too bad said to me by friends (not to my face anyway)… congrats on your hands full of blessings! :)
The Barbers says
I had to giggle at many of your thoughts, because it is sooooo true to life and my experience. I would often leave a store shaking my head, and then asking myself if I really was as crazy as some people made me feel…
I was married at 21 and had my 4th baby by the time I was 27. We are now living in Madagascar on the mission field, and part of me is curious to hear what people, who didn’t know us before will say when we return to Canada. Grace……… yes, strangers, please encourage us! :)
Grace For That
futurehope says
wow! what an awesome story!!! :) I’m excited to visit your blog!!! :) when did you move to madagascar? that so neat!!!
Robbie K says
People seem t think pregnant bellies and moms need advice and judgement. They can suck it. While at one point I looked quite a bit younger than I was I’v also been on the receiving end of the “you’re an old mom” since I was 35+ when I had #3.
futurehope says
lol so true! Something about the belly and the kids make people come out of nowhere to “offer” advice :/ on the “old mom” comment. I’ll never understand why we can’t just be labled “moms”. why “old” or “crunchy” or “young” or “strict”. I just want to be a good, loving mom.
Rosilind Jukic says
Wow. YES! I totally relate to this post. It’s odd that people choose THIS area of life to be so opinionated about, isn’t it? As if the number of children you have, when you have them, and what you ought to do with them is a public matter and open for debate. I literally had a complete stranger argue with me over the fact that I am not ready to think about #3 yet (mind you, #2 was only 6 months old at the time…). This is a great post and I am with you on this – I am making it a point to be an encourager! Bless you! And thank you for stopping by to link up again!
futurehope says
smh I will never understand that either. strangers are so opinionated about other people’s private lives. it’s so weird! I love linking up with you! thanks for hosting!!!
RoryBore says
Oh my, you should totally have one more child because once you hit 3 or more, you get to hear things like “are they all yours?”, or “goodness, are we going for #4, 5, 6” as applicable. When people say “my aren’t you busy” I am so tempted to reply, “yes sirree…much to busy for stupid, nosey comments, bye.” course, that’s not exactly a loving, Christian response.
so basically, I am a big fan of the smile and nod.
be encouraged my friend…you are completely equipped to handle and succeed at this mother thing! :)
futurehope says
haha that’s a good comeback, though I probably won’t use it either! I’m a big smile and nod person too! :) thanks for the encouragement!
Shell says
It would be nice to hear a positive comment, wouldn’t it? I still get the “hand full” comments now, though it’s slowed a bit since mine have gotten older.
futurehope says
Nice to know it does slow down as the kids grow. yay! lol
Tiny Blue Lines says
Wow, do I know what it’s like to leave a grocery store crying! It never ends, even now, as a nurse and married mother of three, people judge me because I’m a young mom!
futurehope says
sorry you have left crying too :(
Dana Heavner says
When we had #5 someone said to me, “Oh you have your hands full” and I held up one hand and said, “Nope, just A handful, there’s only 5!”
futurehope says
hahaha that’s an awesome reply! I love it!
Anonymous says
My response to the “hand full” remark is always “better full than empty”. while I force the biggest smile I can muster. It is true that once you are pregnant with the third child people think you are striving to set a world record in the offspring department. When my youngest (of 3 girls in less than 4 years) was only a few weeks old, we made it to the check-out line in the grocery store and all of the sudden they all began screaming and crying. As everyone glared at me and tried to find other check-out lines as to avoid us, I asked God to always remind me of that moment so I would be an encouragement to someone in the same situation. I did not know until that day that people assume you are a horrible mother if your children cry in public. Go figure.
futurehope says
“striving to set the world record in the offspring department”. hah! that made me laugh!!!!
oh man, I have noticed that too, if kids cry in public every one looks at you like you are the worst mother ever! :( I definitely try to smile at moms when their kids are going crazy. all kids do it! but its hard to keep that in mind when its YOUR kid and the whole store is glaring at you :P
futurehope says
wow! you got me beat on the marrying young front! :) glad this was encouraging to you! will be jumping over to read your post soon!!!
frogdiva.com says
This is sage advice for anyone. I’m often amazed at the opinions that people feel that they should utter to strangers.
Megan Nichols says
I get this all the time! Like two kids is some astounding number to have! I especially hate it on days where I feel like I am put together and they are behaving. I always smile and respond ” I am the luckiest woman on earth and would not have it any other way” then I usually kiss one of them and don’t wait for a response!
Abbey @ Surviving Our Blessings says
Oh, Paula…I know just what you mean here. Even if we assume people mean well, it can be tough not to feel frustrated. I can only imagine that most people have no idea how often we hear those words. :-)
Monica S says
I can totally relate to this post. I have 4 kids, 3boy & a girl and people are always commenting on how we tried till we got a girl. UUHH No we just had 4 children and would have been just as happy with 4 boys. So I understand about how it can get irritating and their are people who say things that are just mean and rude but overall I think most aren’t trying to be rude or annoying it just comes across that way.
Thank you for pointing out how someone who encouraged you helped you. My mom is someone who will randomly stop someone and compliment them or encourage them and I used to get all embarrassed and OMGosh mom leave people alone but i’ve come to realize that overall it’s a good thing and i’ve found she’s rubbing off on me :)
Elizabeth says
My you have your hands full is one of the most patronizing things ever to come out of people’s mouths. I find it eternally frustrating. Thanks for stopping by Twice As Nice. I’m sorry people say less than kind things, and wish that they could be sweeter, or more gracious.
Kristen says
LOVE THIS! I experienced the same thing as a young mother (20 &25) and even now when my husband I decided to have one more at 35. Now the comments are like ” he must have been an oopsie” or “so brave to have another at this stage in life”! Really!! Not an accident and we are not senior citizens!