But really, another one?
Modesty is such a huge issue these days. It seems like once May hits, out come all the hard-hitting modesty posts that state what you are and are not allowed to wear for the sake of men and not causing them to stumble.
I’m a Christian and I also consider myself to be a pretty modest gal, but still, something about many of these posts rub me the wrong way. It’s like all the responsibility for men’s thoughts and purity lie on the (hopefully fully covered!) shoulders of women. I think this is just wrong. For every 12,000 posts on how women should be dressing, there is maybe one measly little post that barely sees the light of day about how men should be cautious of how they think and look.
I think it’s really just another case of people getting all focused on something that’s really not that important in the grand scheme of life and salvation.
Yes, I dress modestly (under my personal definition of it), and I want both of my children, daughter and son, to do the same. To dress appropriately as they grow older. But really, it’s not a massive issue in our home. You know what is? Jesus.
And along with that: Being loving with our speech. Serving others. Working hard. Modesty doesn’t even make the top 10 if I listed them in order of “importance” in our home. Is it important? I guess, to some extent. EVERYONE, male and female should be taught to dress appropriately. But, honestly I think I’m going to have more trouble with my son wanting to go around without pants on, more than I will have issues with my daughter wearing something inappropriate.
I want to teach my kids to respect themselves and their bodies, and with that, modesty just comes naturally. It comes without shame, but with empowerment and respect for your own body and the bodies of others.
To use an example, I don’t personally wear bikinis, but I also don’t have a problem with other people wearing them. It’s a personal choice and I don’t feel the need to involve myself in the clothing choices of any one outside my own home. I don’t cringe when we go to the beach because there are hundreds of “scantily clad” women who are going to “cause my husband to stumble”.
I don’t worry about it, first and foremost because if he’s having impure thoughts, that’s on him. Second, if he feels uncomfortable he just looks away. It’s not really that difficult. He is man enough to look in another direction if he’s having some rogue thought that he should not. I don’t need to go on a campaign to convince other women to dress at the same modesty/comfort level that I’m currently sporting. It’s just not that big of a deal. I’d rather focus on loving every one, regardless of their apparel, and use my time to point them to Jesus, not an arbitrary list of rules of what we should and should not be wearing. And I don’t say that lightly. Loving people takes considerable effort and time. It doesn’t typically come naturally to humans, myself included.
Also I think it’s important to note, that finding some one else attractive is different than lusting after them. I can look at my sister and see that she’s attractive, literally ZERO lust there (obviously). I could also see some random guy and note that he is attractive but that doesn’t mean I’m lusting after him or sinning any more than noticing that the kid I just walked past had a bunny on her shirt or has a cute button nose. It’s literally just an observation. Observations aren’t sinful, it’s when they develop into lust and imagining of sinful scenarios that we go wrong.
In short, we’re each responsible for our own choices, in what we wear and what we think about. We all have the ability to look away, and the authority to make the choice to wear more (or less) clothing.
That’s it. End of story.
Can we please move on to something else?
*disclaimer – I’m in no way saying that people who put a larger emphasis/importance on modesty are not also focused on Jesus. That’s not my business to say any more than it’s some one else’s business to make rules about what I should or should not be wearing, and it’s not at all what I was attempting to say in this post.
**Please keep the comment friendly. I recognize this is a controversial topic, and there will be some that disagree. Just please remember to season your words with grace, refrain from swearing and just generally be nice in whatever points you would like to communicate. Thanks!
Jennifer says
I think the way you approached this was very … different. You’re right, there are probably a MILLION more important things to focus on than modesty, but we do have to consider what is right for us individually. Props for also mentioning the fact that what we wear is only HALF of the issue. We do need to consider our responses to viewing other’s dress. Well said and covered.
Danielle B says
Aaaaaaamen!! I agree 1,000%!!!
Alyssa says
This is a view of modesty I have yet to hear and I love it! I completely agree, while we need to help our brothers and sisters in Christ, we also have to be careful not to judge. I love your take on modesty and how there are more important things! While we need to be aware of our bodies and how we are portrayed it should,d not consume us!
Rebecca says
When my daughter was around 3 she always had her Barbies naked. It really bothered me, so we sent them to modesty camp. Ha Ha! My daughter still remembers that. She and I have come to a middle ground on what is acceptable for her to wear or not, now that she is a teenager. It is a good place for us.
Krista says
For sure!! I always feel like personal responsibility is lost in posts about modesty. You hit the nail on the head. I have three boys and I think it is important to teach them that it is on them to control their own thoughts and how they look at women!
Randomly Fascinated says
I am curious how you teach your boys how to control their thoughts and looks? I have two boys (still very young) and honestly this issue scares me a lot because I have seen how my husband struggles. Neither of us know how to teach our boys to do better because neither of us has it figured out.
Jessica Smartt says
I loved this, Paula. Way to go for you. And your hubby. :)
kelli @ eatprayreadlove says
I do agree it’s not #1 in importance. My husband is mature enough to look away (and he does!) but I worry about my 9-year-old son. Obviously we’re teaching him about this issue but it does seem the odds are stacked against us when we’re pulling up to the mall and there are 10 bigger-than-life-size Victoria’s Secret models posed seductively in plain view. I agree that men are responsible for controlling their thoughts but it takes a long time for them to get to that stage of maturity. :)
Elizabet says
*Have you had a relative or a friend whose son was consumed with lust, pornography etc?
*Have you had a friend whose husband did not control himself even to the point of infidelity and saw her through her suffering?
*Have you raised a son in his teen age years and wondered about his private thoughts on the matter that perhaps he would not share with you because it was embarrassing to him?
*Have you seen a mother suffer because her son was lost in pornography and wants to change, nevertheless when the TV is on, or he is out in the street and perhaps even at church he wants to turn his sight and there… again the same thing in his eyes?
I haven’t had these problems myself, but I know of the suffering of others who did, and surely do not want to be in their shoes, for can be a nightmare for them.
I am glad that my husband keeps himself pure. I have 6 sons~ ages 24, 22, 13, 12, 5, 2.
Thankfully the oldest is married now but not the rest.
I pray for my sons that they may be strong in the Lord in the matter. We homeschool.
But I can’t help to wonder about those mommas whose children go to public school and have to face all this immodesty issue, and the teaching they receive, regarding sex education, practically throwing them into the act of premarital sex and even abortion; it saddens me because I know that it can be really bad for those who do struggle with these kind of issues.
Here in the States it is not perhaps as bad, but my family and I went overseas for missions work and immodesty was everywhere around. As I walked down the streets and took buses to get to places or even at church, I prayed for my sons and I prayed for those ladies who thought that they had the right to dress any way they wanted and that modesty was not all that big of a deal.
I was sad to see ladies wear those ‘pants’ of today … I mean they look like underclothes tights (socks?) that ladies nowadays wear like if those were pants combining them with all kinds of shirts with low necks, shortened to their bellies. Even I had to turn around when they bent over to tie their shoes or pick up a child…
Those ladies, expected respect from women and man alike… Hmmm…
Then, I reminded myself that I am raising children in the last days and that those people needed the Lord so much! Still I wonder about my sons and prayed for them.
As it goes for my family and I, thinking how we, women dress is an important issue. I try to teach my 8 year old daughter that we have to dress in a way that we can represent the Lord as well as we have to watch our for our attitudes.
Yes! Christianity is more that what we see outwardly because the Lord sees the heart but as we grow in Christ one will affect the other.
Yes, I also think that the matter can taken to the extreme. That women have to be fully clothed and guys can not even wear shorts. But how we dress, or how we handle other issues, should not be based on how little can I do and still be OK with my conscience and opinions and God.
Guys shorts are so modest in comparison with women’s clothes, that I can’t hardly call guys shorts in-modest. Besides, it is not women whom God made to be -visually stimulated- but men. And for men this modesty issue is a different story. Perhaps we women should be a man for a day to learn what they have to face, instead of expecting that they relate to how women feel.