Fall is upon us! Currently it is 60 degrees outside, and I am FREEZING! I hate everything about cold weather, and my nose is already running from the coldness! It has only been cool for 2 days but I am already so ready for Summer and HOT weather! Give me the sun beating down on my skin, where you can practically feel your skin sizzling in the heat, that’s what I love. But alas, it is fall, and after fall comes winter, and I have a lot of cold left to endure this year.
It is not just the cold weather that is getting me down. Fall is the hardest time of year for me for another reason. This is the time of year that everything started going south for me as a young teen. And while most of the things I will be sharing today happened 6 years ago, it was only recently that I have been able to really deal with the fact that they happened and that it was wrong, so many of the ‘old’ wounds, are still fresh in my heart. So I’m taking this time to remember, to look back, and to heal. So I can keep moving forward.
November 18, 2004 my dad died suddenly in his sleep. 11 months later, in the end of October my mom married a man she barely knew. But before they got married, he convinced us to come back to the house I grew up in and throw away/give away / sell everything. Every momento of my dads, everything he owned and loved. Every physical memory. We sold and gave away it all. I have about 10 or so pictures of him, and recently was given one other decorative thing that he had owned. but that is all. As I grew older this bothered me more and more. Then I had a baby and I was heartbroken that I had nothing to share with him of his grandfathers (papa, as my dad wanted to be called). My baby will never play with some of my old toys while I explain that my dad and I used to play with them together. I can’t play my dad’s favorite board games with my family… all of that is lost to me forever. Sure, I can buy replicas of the things, or different versions of the board games (and I have been!) but it is different. Those things were not his. I have nothing that was his (except the thing that I got about a month ago…).
This bothered me on so many levels, especially since my dad died having had only two girls, so not only is his last name gone, but also his living memories as well. .
One day in tears and prayer I was thinking about this. Trying to find some sort of heritage I could pass down from him to my son. I realized, I do have one thing. . . The one thing that was most important to my dad was his faith in God. And that is the one thing that I still have. The single most important thing that he could ever pass along to me, is the one that I have not lost, even through the craziness that was my life with my mother’s new husband, and living alone overseas, getting married and the age 18. . . Through all that God held me and kept me trusting Him. And that is the one thing that I can pass on to my son. Everything else would eventually pass away with time, but The words of God will last forever. And I know that, if my dad could have chosen one thing of his to be passed on through the generations, it would not have been his name, it would not have been his knowledge or his things, it would have been Scripture. It would have been the Word of God that he held so dear. And that is what I have.
so yes, these fall months are hard. Around this week so many years ago was when we were busy throwing away everything … and that is hard to remember. The stress and grief of it has made me sick more than one day this week, but. I am moving forward. Next year won’t be like this. not this bad because I am facing it all, remembering it all, praying about it all, and being healed from it.
I have hope, I have my God, and I have new memories to make with my beautiful family. I won’t let the past hold me back from those things. and I am joy-filled to have some heritage from my dad to pass down through the generations. His love for God. My love for God. and most importantly God’s love for us.
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19
I still have hope!
I hope this post can encourage you some today, to maybe face the things from your past that are getting you down. Look them in the eye, acknowledge them for what they were and the pain they have caused, and allow yourself to be healed. Allow yourself to move forward into the life God has for you today. the hurts and pains of yesterday are over! They don’t have to affect us today.
It is not an easy journey toward healing, but it is worth every struggle. It is worth every scary moment of looking back, to be able to turn your back on the past with a smile, and begin to walk forward again!
How are you doing? what have you found that helps YOU move forward? I would love to hear about it!!!
My dad, my sister and I
When I am discouraged, and having trouble…I look into these two faces, and find strength to keep going <3 God has blessed me with such a wonderful family!
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