Today I took the Princess to the dr because she caught a little virus. Not a big deal, but the other info we found out was a bit worrisome.
Earlier this month she went in for her “well check” and we noticed that she had lost weight since her last check up. The dr didn’t seem too concerned because it wasn’t a huge drop and she had become much more active between visits. Something to keep an eye on but nothing to worrisome. Then today, we saw that she had lost weight again. This time just since her well check 2 weeks ago! Definitely not okay. Today was beyond stressful getting her all checked out for the virus and then finding out that she’s not growing the way that she should.
The dr. told me I needed to start supplementing with formula to giver her weight a little boost. Little Man was exclusively breastfed until his first birthday and I’ve been planning to do the same with Princess, but today she had her first bottle of formula. Not a big deal and yet, in the back of my mind, I feel like I’ve failed her.
Do you know what’s crazy though? I have lots of friends that use formula and I’ve always been the first to encourage them that it’s okay and can be an excellent choice for their baby. I’ve never once thought less of them as mothers or thought that they were failing their children for using formula.
So why do I feel like a failure when it comes to this situation with my daughter and the 100s of other situations that I’ve faced thus far in motherhood during which I felt like I was failing? I think it’s because I set standards for myself that are much higher than what I would expect of any one else. And oftentimes, they are much higher than what is even possible.
Sometimes it’s not possible to nurse your baby, and sometimes your milk isn’t quite enough and you have to supplement and apparently, that’s okay.
If it were you and your baby in this situation I would be supporting you 100% I would tell you what a fantastic mama you are and that there are more important things that exclusively breastfeeding your baby. I would tell you that it’s obvious that you love your baby more than anything and giving her formula twice a day is an act of love, even though you never expected it to happen. I would tell you that your motherhood is not limited by the type of milk your daughter drinks.
I would believe all those things if we were talking about you but somehow, I find it hard to believe them when we’re talking about me. So today, I learn to say those things to myself. To lower my impossibly high standards that I’ve set in place for myself. I learn how to make a bottle of formula and attempt to feed it to my baby girl for the first time. And most of all, I learn that I won’t always reach the goals and standards I set for myself.
This doesn’t mean I will ever stop making goals or striving to be the best mama that I can be, it just means that I learn to have the same amount of grace for myself that I would have for another mom. The same amount that my hubby and friends have for me.
It’s hard to “fail” as a mother. But now, I’m just finding a new way to succeed, by helping my daughter gain the weight she needs to be strong.
It’s hard, stressful and wreaking havoc on my emotions – but we’ll get there, we always do.
Do you find yourself having more grace for other moms than you have for yourself? How have you found peace when you don’t “measure up” to a parenting goal you’ve set for yourself?
Sara c says
Stay strong! Once you see that the formula supplementing is helping the guilt and the feelings of failure will ease. I felt the same way with my first when I had to supplement formula after only 6 weeks due to low milk supply. The bottom line is you have to do what is right for your child even though you may have had other preconceived ideas (esp after exclusively bf with your first). Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a great mom – we all need to be reminded of that sometimes. :)
Paula says
Thank you Sara! Now we just have to get her used to the formula so she will drink more than 1 ounce at a time ;)
thanks for the encouragement!
Sara c says
Luckily, my son will eat anything but he especially liked Kirkland brand Costco formula. We lucked out there! It may be that she’s sick and needs some time to adjust. As you know – it’s all a process! :)
Paula says
She’s still not loving it in the bottle but I’m sneaking it in her baby food multiple times a day, so at least she’s getting it!
Robin Wilson says
Honestly I think you are feeling that way, not because of the breast feeding, but because you are her mom! Breast feeding is just the “finger pointer”. We moms tend to want to blame ourselves for a lot of the ups/downs/illnesses in our children’s lives. But trust me, all the hand washing in the world won’t keep them from getting a cold and if you had 4 breasts she may still have lost the weight. My son is now 24…I still worry. But you are a great mom! If you weren’t you would not have taken her to the doctor for “a little virus” in the first place. Remember, the journey may be hard, but it is worth it!
Paula says
Thank you Robin! Yes, it is worrying because I’m her mama. This is the first time either of my kids has had a “big”(bigger than a cough/cold) problem like this and it’s so scary!!! :/
thanks for all the support and encouragment!
Erica {let why lead} says
I’ve had to supplement with all three of mine because of a low milk supply. With each baby, I hope and wish and do everything I can to give my baby more breast milk, but it’s always the same. So I add in the formula, and soon I have a growing, healthy, happier(!) baby! That’s all that really matters anyway. But you know that. I find it so interesting how deeply rooted the desire to breastfeed is in so many of us. Like we’re less if we can’t or don’t want to do it. I actually drafted half of a post just today along those lines! Anyway, good luck to you and Princess! And keep remembering your own advice! :)
Paula says
thanks Erica! hey, you got any advice on getting them to take the formula? she’s not a huge fan of it thus far…though her being sick right now could be part of the problem, she just wants to nurse!
I can’t wait to read your post about it!!!
Kate says
I remember wanting to BF until my daughter was 6 months. At 4 months that ended due to me not being able to keep up with what she needed (she was a big baby at birth). We actually went straight to putting my milk in cereal because she was growing so much. All that matters is that your daughter grows in a healthy manner.
Paula says
Thanks Kate! Hoping my girl with bulk up a bit now!
Terri S. Vanech says
Don’t beat yourself up! You’ve not failed at all. I stopped nursing far sooner than I planned and fretted about the formula thing, but my daughter, now 17, didn’t turn out to be an axe murderer, and in the end, I was a better parent because I wasn’t so anxious about how much she was getting, etc. Trust me, there are going to be a million watershed moments like this. All you can do is take them one at a time and trust your gut. Do that, and your kids will be just fine.
Paula says
hehe thanks Terri! :)
Melissa says
Don’t blame yourself – if I had a dollar for every time I’ve had a “mama fail” in the past ten years, I’d be rich :-). It matters not even a little bit if you have to supplement with formula, and I say that as someone who’s been breastfeeding or pregnant for the last seven and a half years. What matters is that your little girl is healthy – and whatever you need to do to achieve that is what you’ll do. That’s not a mama fail – that’s what being a mom is :-)
Paula says
thanks Melissa! that’s nice to hear from a BF only mama! ;)
Rachel says
I don’t even know you, but just from this post alone I think you are a great Mama! :-)
Rachel says
PS: My big “Mama Fail” was never quite figuring out the whole nursing thing…but I did pump for eighteen months (boy, did that get old!) and supplemented as needed.
Alicia says
I had the same feeling when I took my Little Man to a regular check up a few months ago and ended up sitting in a speech therapist’s office listening to her tell me that she couldn’t, in good conscience, tell me that “everything is fine” during that particular observation. Even though she wasn’t casting any blame on me, all I could hear the whole time she was talking was, “If you were a better mother, your child would be saying at least 10 words right now. You should be ashamed.” Of course, I know that’s not true. But like you said, your own advice and words of encouragement doesn’t seem to soothe you when it’s your own child. Thankfully, that’s what other moms are for :-) So, keep up the great work! I’m sure your little princess won’t hold it against you ;-)
Paula says
awww I’m sorry you had that experience! You are a WONDERFUL mama though! <3 Hoping you are able to give yourself as much grace as you would give another mama in your shoes!
Michelle says
Tears welled up in my eyes as I read this, as I was in this EXACT situation just weeks after daughter#2 was born. My goal was to exclusively breastfeed, but my daughter wasn’t gaining weight like she should. She lost over 10% of her body weight after birth/before being released from the hospital and wouldn’t gain like she should. At her first appointment, the doctor was quite concerned that she was not gaining. At all. I had BF my baby just before the doctor came in to examine her. He asked if I could please give her a bottle of formula, my choice, to see if she would take it – so we would know if I was producing enough. As I sat in that exam room with that bottle in my hand, I was at a crossroads… do I do something I swore I wouldn’t do??? If it were ANY of my friends I would have told them FEED that baby that bottle to see if she needs it! Bawling my eyes out, I gave her that bottle. She took that one down and then two others. I felt like a failure! I cried on the phone with one of my friends and she said the words to me I’ve said to so many other mothers, “it’s okay! You are a GREAT mom!! There’s NOTHING wrong with formula!!” My daughter continued for the next 4 months to be way off the growth scale (in a bad way!)… I supplemented with some formula (8 oz a day or so), but amped up the breastfeeding in the hopes of catching up with the curve. Eventually she caught up, thank the Lord! But I will never forget that moment of having to yield to the words I too had spoken so often, so many times, yet I felt like a HUGE failure!! :(
Paula says
awwww I’m sorry you had that experience, but it sounds like you handled it wonderfully and took care of your baby girl perfectly!
Rachel says
I love this! I can totally relate as I had to start supplementing my daughter’s feeds too. People we encouraging me to give up feeding all together but I’m too stubborn as I feel like a failure! You’re right…we need to lower our expectations but it’s really tough!
Paula says
It is tough! we’re just supplementing right now too and I’m doing everything I can to get more vitamins in my milk. We will see what happens !
Alicia@the Overflow! says
Oh, I can relate to that sense of failing as a mom. I, too, had some babies I couldn’t nurse enough; others I couldn’t get to take the bottle when I needed them to, and still others that I couldn’t get to sleep. With five kids beneath my roof, every day I fail in a new way. But the gift in being an imperfect Mom is that it drives me to my Perfect Savior. So glad you’re choosing to give yourselves grace.
Paula says
Beautifully stated Alicia!
Kari says
I certainly understand this. I wanted so bad to breastfeed my son for the long haul, but God had other plans. My milk hardly came in and my sweet little boy starting drinking formula at 2 weeks old. It wasn’t what I had planned at all, but God created me to be this little guys mom and part of my duties is doing what is best for my child. You are doing exactly that! You are a great mom, but you already knew that didn’t you? :)
Paula says
Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your little one :)
thanks for the encouragement!
Chris Carter says
Oh how you speak my heart in so many ways!!! I am so glad I stopped by from Pour Your Heart Out! I do the same thing ALL of the time… give grace and love to everyone else, but when it comes to me- I expect more. So many times… I have written so much about this message. Because it is at the core of most of us women and mothers. Beautiful. :)
Paula says
So glad this post encouraged you! <3
Cupcakesandhomeschool says
Hi I had a similar experience! With my firstborn daughter I 100 percent breast fed her till she was one. Then with my second at her two week check up she lost weight. For some reason with my second I didn’t have adequate milk supply. It felt so frustrating that everything worked well the first time, and the next baby not so much! But I started supplementing with formula and continued breast feeding till she turned one. I understand the feeling of failure, but your baby still can reap all the benefits of nursing with supplementation. You are an amazing Mom remember that!
Paula says
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for the encouragment! nice to know I’m not alone <3
MamaLaughs says
We are our own worst critics. I had to supplement with K starting as early as 3 months. I felt like the only female on earth who wanted to do this but whose body rejected what is supposed to be a “natural” process. It’s hard sometimes. Pat yourself on the back for caring enough to try, and for being aware of enough to make change when needed.
Paula says
awww thanks for the encouragement and sharing your story !
Xiomara | Equis Place says
I’m glad you are taking the time to remind yourself of that which you tell others. It’s hard when we hold ourselves to higher standards than we do other people, especially when those standards are darn near impossible!
Paula says
Thanks Xiomara!
Jennice says
I used to feel like this all the time in my daughter’s first year of life. I thought every thing I did was a a mistake or not good enough or I wasn’t doing everything im my power to be a good mother. My baby is now 5yo and I’ve learned thar I am tailor made to suit my daughter’s needs as is every mom. Yes, I do still want to kick myself in the ass when sh catches a cold that could have been prevented if I had put her hat on but I don’t dwell on it because parents do make mistakes and in the grand scheme of things, a cold is not the worse thing in the world!
Paula says
Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job :)
Patricia says
Oh my goodness, I’ve had many times over the past thirteen years when I’ve felt that I’ve failed as a mother. Part of parenting means that your children are not always going to be happy with you, you just have to realize that you’re doing your best for them, and you’re only human.
Paula says
Thanks Patricia!
Chaunie says
I can admit that it would have been hard for me if I had to give my kids formula too–there’s something about breastfeeding that messes with your mind a bit; you feel like it’s something you have to get right. I’m glad you recognize that you need to be nice to yourself!! :)
Paula says
Thanks Chaunie! It’s funny, because I don’t even like nursing but it felt SO WEIRD giving her a bottle for the first time. :/
Gabrielle says
I’m sorry I’m just now reading this. It’s been one of those weeks! But I want to tell you, Precious Paula, that you have not failed as a mommy. You’re doing a wonderful job and you’re doing exactly what you need to do. A good mama feeds her baby. Period.
But that said, I’m the same way. When I struggled with nursing, I went through the same guilt issues and I would be devastated to find myself in your situation. So I get it. But please enjoy some grace.
Paula says
Thans so much Gabrielle! Learning to have grace with myself isn’t easy, but it’s helping.
April @ 100lbCountdown.com says
OMG! Ok… so I had the same thing happen. My daughter was losing weight too. And when my doctor suggested that I put on her on formula. I, too, am supportive of other moms using formula, but I had successful breastfed two other babies, and I felt like a complete failure. Turns out, baby girl had an actual medical problem. I was so excited to not have to use the formula! I had never even thought about it wouldn’t make me a failure… Great post!
Paula says
awww I’m so glad you got it figured out what was going on with your baby girl! We have an appointment next week to see what’s going on with my baby ;)
Debbie @ Deliciously Inspired says
Hi Paula,
I know it’s hard when life heads in a different direction from what you planned, especially when our children are involved. Sometimes we just need a little time to get used to the changes and then they don’t feel so big. But I can tell you are a wise woman and have your priorities in the right order. You just keep telling yourself that you haven’t failed at anything – you are succeeding in being a mom that loves and cares for this sweet little girl that has been entrusted to you and will do whatever is necessary for her good. You have all the right answers – now you just have to be as kind to yourself and you are to others.
Debbie – Deliciously Inspired
Ashley says
Thanks for sharing! When I had to supplement with my son, I cried and sobbed and felt like a terrible mother. At the time, I would have even been supportive of another mom who was in my same shoes, but I couldn’t seem to give myself the same grace. It’s funny how that works, we can be so hard on ourselves!