When I was a teenager I was a victim of a lot of horrible things. Not just small things, but really big, life altering things that have the potential to change you to the very core of your being. And they did. I lost a lot of “me” during those hard years. Where I once was joyful, and trusting I became cynical and fearful. Where I once was brave and confident I became quiet and insecure. I didn’t see these changes as they slowly overcame me, but one day my eyes were opened and I saw what had happened to me, and why. And so began one of the hardest years of my life. Allowing myself to open up again, realizing how I had been hurt by the ones that should have loved me most. Realizing how my life had been so drastically changed.
I did not realize these things until I was no longer actively being made a victim by the situation and people in my life. No one was controlling me anymore, I was married and I was in the physical sense “free” of what had been victimizing me in my youth. But, I was not free. I was still a victim. I was still being affected every day by the things that I had lived through. Even though I was far away from the ones who had hurt me, each day I would relive the pain that I had experienced. Some small thing would trigger it and I would crumble inside.
For every small step forward I would take in moving on with my life, something would happen that would send me right back to where I had begun. I could still feel the sting of what I had been through, and who had done it to me. I had just realized that I was a victim of what happened when I was young, and that what had occurred was not normal. The pain and hurt that I endured after realizing this was almost more than living through it the first time. As was seeing how it had affected and changed me.
I had to accept that I had been a victim at one time in my life, but along that process I also had to realize that all thought I was not physically being made a victim anymore, I was still living like one. I still acted like some one was out to hurt me, or control my every move. And with all my fear and mistrust I began to victimize others. Not only was I hurting myself by staying in the mode of fear and reliving of the past, but I began to inflict the same type of pain (but in smaller amounts) on people who had nothing to do with the original situation. I was hurting the ones that I loved most.
Over the last few months So much healing has taken place in my heart. I am not a victim any more. I do not define myself by what I went through any longer. I began reaching out for help, and God used many different avenues to put me on a path to healing and He began healing my hurts. My sweet and patient husband, several awesome books, a dear woman at my church, my wonderful ‘soul-sister’ and an amazing counselor all played huge roles in my life over the past year. I truly feel like a different person, but this time in a good way.
I can’t change a single thing about my past or what happened to me. It was bad, it was wrong, and I was a victim of things that I never should have been and all at a very young age. These things changed who I was for several years. Emotionally I didn’t have the strength to be anything but a victim of my past. I barely had the strength to reach out for help, but God used my hubby to help me to reach out for help. Hubby stood by me and even asked for help for me when I was too ashamed and afraid to say the words.
And now, I can honestly say that I am not a victim anymore. What happened is over. It is forever a part of my past, but it is not a negative part of my present or future. It does not define who I am or how I act. I’m done with it, and it is done with me. I am not exactly where I want to be. I still have days when it feels like I am being pushed right back to the starting point of pain, but, uI am choosing to deal with things as they come instead of pushing them down and ignoring them. I won’t do that anymore. That’s not the way to be healed. I have accepted what happened. I’m not saying that it was right because it was not. But it happened, and it cannot be undone, so there is no sense in letting it affect who I am today. I am a new person in Christ he is holding me every step of the way and He is holding my future.
Its really an incredible thing, Christ’s love. One that I had much trouble accepting over the past year. But, today, I am in awe of what he has done for me/in me and how He has opened up the way to a new life for me. a life without so much pain and betrayal. I have a hubby who cares for me and loves me so much its incredible. A beautiful, healthy baby boy who feels safe and secure in his home. they are my world and I am so thankful for them. God has blessed me immensely leading me here to where I am today. and I am not going to let my past make me miss out on the beauty of today. Even if today holds more tears and pain, I’ll meet it with a new found confidence and faith. God has gotten me through so much. Even when I couldn’t trust him on my own, He gave me the strength to get help, to heal and begin to trust Him again.