“only surround yourself with people who life you up”
A varient of this is a popular “inspirational” quote. I’ve seen it attributed to Oprah, but I’m not sure if that is acurate or not. I see images with this quote or others like it all the time in my pinterest feed. and it always bothers me.
What if we all did that? What if we all ONLY would be around people who would life us up? Not only is it self-centered, but it’s not practical. What if you’re having a bad day, so you call a friend looking for support and she says “sorry, this conversation isn’t really uplifting me, so I’m gonna have to let you go…”? What if instead of bearing one another’s burdens we all just tried to find people to bear ours. Unfortunately no one would be found, because, well, if we need their help, then we obviously aren’t uplifting them, so then they can’t help us right?
It really does bother me that such a horrible idea has become such a popular “inspirational” quote, even among many christians.
Believe me, I recognize that we can’t help every one. and I would never advocate staying in an abusive relationship. I have been through many pains and hardships and dealt with more than my “share” of abuse because people weren’t willing to cut the abusive person out of their (and by extension, my) life. So trust me when I say, I get that not all relationships are healthy, and boundaries need to be set (Kathryn has a great post about friendship boundaries if you are trying to figure out what’s healthy). But, I don’t think that is what most people are thinking about when they pin, or tweet or post this quote and others like it.
So what is friendship really?
I think about the really good, meaningful relationships that I’ve had in my life. I’m blessed to be able to think of several close friends that I could describe here. One in particular that I could share about it my friend Sarah.
She is a friend that has come to my “rescue” on a bad day more times that I can count. When she met me I was in the midst of struggling with PTSD, depression, and all sorts of other really deep stuff. Not exactly BFF material, but she was still there for me. I don’t think she ever woke up and thought to herself, “ooooh I think it would just be so fun and fabulously encouraging for me to go and do Paula’s dishes today, or bring her flowers, or text and make sure she’s doing okay. I think I will do all these things in an effort to ‘lift myself up and make myself feel good.” No, my guess would be that she did all of those things out of love. Thinking of me, before she thought of her own desires, working my needs into her already busy day. In each of those situations just listed I was not in a place to reciprucate her assitance or even have a nice conversation with her. I was very needy and not an uplifting person to be around, but she came. and she loved. and God took care of her. I wasn’t able to be a good friend on those days, but she was a good friend to me anyway.I have watched a few people like her in my life embody the words of Jesus in Luke 6 (See end of post). And I’m so thankful for them.
I could list nights when a friend has unexpectedly brought over dinner when she knew I was sick and having trouble caring for my family. I can think of times when my friends have been there for me in my darkest hours. Not because they were expecting me to repay them, not because I was lifting them up or able to offer any type of friendship in return. They did it out of love. Love for me, and love for God. They did it because of the love that God has placed in the hearts.
These are real sacrifices. This is friendship. Not friendship that seeks to gain, but friendship that is looking for ways to give. I’m not the best at this, but I’m getting better. Not because of my own ability to love, but because God loves me and is helping me to learn to love others in a self-sacrificing way.
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one whostrikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. Luke 6:27-33
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. John 15:12-14
Sherry says
This was a great post full of wisdom. I have to caution my daughter sometimes though and I think some people may be fhis way. She is a loving and caring person. She is a wonderful woman of God. But she has always been very vunerable and easily ‘be friended’ by very selfish and needed people. She tends to ‘try’ to honor God by trying to be the bff for her friends. Sometimes it turns on her and she is sucked into friends that are not healthy for her.
It is really a fine line. I love those girlf friend that I’ve had that were there when I needed them. These are the best kinds of friend. Those that pay for my lunch one day and the next I pay for theirs. Isn’t it wonderful God gave us girlfriends! And new blogging friends. Thanks for sharing this wonderful devotional.
Have a wonderful day,
Sherry
Paula says
good point! it is a hard concept to learn, AND to teach! It sounds like you are doing a great job showing your daughter how to make wise choices! I hope that I will be able to do the same when my kids are old enough to be making their own friends!
Carrie says
Such a great reminder to me to look for ways to be there for my friends. We were blessed after the recent birth of our daughter by friends bringing us dinners for a week. I’m hoping that God will show me ways I can come alongside my friends and encourage them just as they encouraged us. :-)
Paula says
that is so great that your friends did that for you!!!! I’m glad this post was an encouragement to you to find new ways to love your friends!!! <3
Del says
Great post Paula! That saying has always bothered me as well, even when people try to support it with the bible and not having corrupt people in your company. It is all about balance and knowing what is a healthy real friendship and what isn’t. I’d also be careful, especially if someone is a new believer, to not spend as much time with old friends who are still doing things you no longer do and are trying not to do. I’ve found it’s just easier to be friends with like minded people and also with people who are living like you are or are trying to live, and I think that’s good but we should be able to be real in those relationships and receive help and give it when needed. I know there is definitely a difference between a friend having a hard time and needing you and a friend who constantly gets themselves into trouble and tries to drag you down with them!
Paula says
Balance is definitely so important!!! thanks for your thoughts! :)
Amy says
I have felt bothered by this trend for years. It showed up in dozens on Facebook almost two years ago, worded, “If it doesn’t make you happy, cut it out of your life.” HUH? Talk about overstating things! If I take that literally, I would have no family, no friends, no hobbies, no place to go — because at some time or another, everyone and everything makes us “unhappy” to some extent.
Hedonism — that’s the issue. People believe in their own happiness as paramount, putting themselves first, and not living by any other rules but for what brings them satisfaction. How anti-Christ-like, and for those who aren’t believers but live in the world, how unhumanitarian!
Thanks, Paula, for speaking on this.
Paula says
that one bothers me too!!!! along with the ones that talk about not caring what any one thinks… it’s definitely over stating things!!! It is definitely a Hedonism issue, that’s a great point. thanks for adding to the discussion! You bring up some really good points!
Alana @ The Bliss Diaries says
Loved this post so much much, Paula! Thanks so much for sharing with The Bliss Project link up.
http://www.domesticblissdiaries.com
Paula says
Thanks Alana!
Leighann says
Love this!
As someone who suffers from bipolar I can tell you I have bad days, and if friends turned their backs on me during those days I don’t know where I would be.
Great post.
Shell says
I think it can be altered a little. And talk about not surrounding yourself with those who tear you down. That’s different than saying only those who lift us up. Sometimes we need to do the lifting- but we don’t need to have people tearing us down, either.
Paula says
That’s an awesome way to alter it! I could repin/repost a quote like that!!! I love how your rephrased it to make it a positive truth! thanks Shell!!!
Diana says
Thank you for writing this. :) I am thankful to God for my few close friends who are selfless in so many ways. God bless you!
Paula says
thank YOU Diana. I am so thankful for my precious, selfless friends as well. <3
Amy says
So true! Friendships go through seasons, and we must be wiling to be patient and love through winter in order to find the joy of spring. :-)
Thanks for linking up to Inspired Wednesday!
Fawn Weaver says
Oh such wisdom, Paula! I have done exactly as you have said. My life is filled with people who lift me up. All my girlfriends are those who speak positively of life, marriage and their family. Doesn’t mean life is always roses and sunshine, but they always have the proper perspective when dealing with life’s challenges and we all life each other up during these kind of times.
Amanda {A Royal Daughter} says
I think it’s important to remember that sometimes we go through really difficult seasons. While we generally uplift those around us, when we’re in the middle of a struggle it can sometimes be tough to be the encourager. I think that’s why God’s Word tells us that “A friend loves at all times.” We can’t abandon each other when the going gets tough.
Thanks for linking up to D2I!
Stephanie E. says
Such a great and though provoking post. Thank you so much for your insights.