Comparing kids… Today I was thinking about how often I hear the phrase “compared to other kids his age…” I have used these words countless times and I have heard them from the lips of friends, and strangers alike. I never questioned it until now. But lately I have found myself comparing my son to other children a lot. Far too much to be honest. So I have questioned myself, why do I feel compelled to compare my child to “other kids his age”? Why is it that I feel the need for him to be just slightly more advanced, or just a little bit smarter than average.
I know that it is necessary for us to know what the “norm” is to be sure our kids are developing at the right speed, and to be able to help them if they are not, but that is not why I compare my kid to others. Deep down, I think my reasoning is simply pride. I want him to be smart and happy and well behaved, for his sake yes, but also because it makes me look good. I feel like it validates me as a mother when my children succeed, and even more so when they exceed expectations. I want them to do well for themselves, I want them to live long happy lives, but deep down, I want some credit for it all. I want a pat on the back. In comparing my child to others, I am really attempting to compare myself. Wondering if I’m good enough, if I am “the best”…
It’s shameful really, and I’m tempted not to post this, but it’s true and it’s real. And I post it to hold myself accountable. I post it to remind myself of this trap and to remember to ask for God’s help in this area.
I love my kids so much. I doubt it’s possible for anyone (apart from Christ) to love them more than I do. And that’s just it. I love them, because they are my kids. I love them for who they are. I love them when they are above average, and I love them when they are below average. I will love them when they succeed and when they fail. That doesn’t change. And that is a huge part of what makes a great mother. the love and care she shows for her child.
A mother that has a chid prodigy to raise, a mother that has a little one with special needs, and the mothers who have “average” kids. They are all incredible mothers in their own way, there is no comparison. Each one shows love for her children differently, and each one cares for her own children in the unique way that they need care.
I’m personally going to endeavor to stop comparing my son to other kids. Because for me, it’s a pride issue. I want to compare, I want to be the “best”, and in doing that I forget that in order for me to be the “best” my son doesn’t have to be excelling above his peers. He doesn’t need to be well behaved every minute of every day.
The truth is, I don’t need to be the best mom in the entire world. I just need to be the best mom in my kids’ world. The best mom to them. That means I can fail (and often will) and that is okay. I won’t be perfect, but I am the one God chose to be their mama, and that is all the recognition I should need.
I am the best. You are the best. and all our kids are too ;) So we can stop trying to compare, and focus more on building each other up :) Because you are way better than I am at being a mom to your kids. And I’m better at mothering mine. I’m realizing that every mama is “the best”. She is the best for her child, and that is what matters.
Not the number of words a kid can say…
Not the number of foods he enjoys…
Not the clothes he wears or how noisy/quiet he is…
None of the things we tend to compare matter.
the love we share is what counts.
There’s no comparison. And there never should be.
click on the image below to read more posts in this series:
Anonymous says
That is super messed up. Like you are evil! Hope god forgives
futurehope says
Yes, it is “messed up”. It is a sin. But I am thankful that God does forgive and offer grace for all of my sins and shortcomings
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 corinthians 12:9
Anonymous says
If that makes you feel better than ok. You are using god and your faith as a crutch for you to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes but just because you have god doesn’t make it ok. There are consequences to every action in life. Start thinking about it like that. I feel bad for your children….smh
futurehope says
God is not a crutch. I still strive every day to be a better mom and a better person, but I also acknowledge that I cannot do that on my own without His help.
I understand that there are consequences to every action, and that is why I share many of my mistakes openly on my blog in the hopes that others may learn from my mistakes and short comings.
No one is perfect (other than Christ). That does not make imperfection okay, and I didn’t say that it was okay for me to compare my children to other kids, that is actually the point of this post, that I am trying to stop doing that because it is harmful for me and my kids.
Tracy says
I don’t feel bad for your children…they are fortunate to have an honest mom who works hard every day to make the right choices for them. I’d rather be a growing mom who can recognize her faults and strive to be better than a mom who simply lives to avoid consequence.
futurehope says
Thanks Tracy!
Sarah says
I love this series of posts :) It’s so encouraging to remember that other moms struggle with similar things that I struggle with. I appreciate being reminded that there is a balance between my responsibility to evaluate my children and resources available to my family so I can make wise and well-educated decisions for them and just relaxing and loving them where they are. Praise God that he provides perfectly for both them and for me! One of our mutual friends says semi-frequently “Children are good for my sanctification…” and I can’t agree more – God uses me in my kids’ lives and he certainly uses them in mine – many times to remind me of how insufficient I am and how sufficient He IS.
You are a sweet, sweet momma to your beautiful children and God is growing you into such a gracious and loving wife, mother, and friend! Thank you, too for your gracious and biblical response to our anonymous friend up here :) I love you, sweet friend!
futurehope says
Thanks Sarah!
and I don’t know who says “Children are good for my sanctification…” but that is SO awesome! lol so true.
The Barbers says
Thank for actually posting this. I think if every mother got really honest, they would ALL agree with you. We compare mostly for our own egos. :( It’s really awful. Comparing children can destroy so many things… I’ve seen it destroy life-long friendships, and it’s painfully ugly. Let us pray that we would be more mindful of Christ in our lives – not so focused on how our child is measuring up. If we’re praying and seeking Him, He will guide us. Trying to constantly remember my standing with Christ is much better validation than whether or not my kids are obeying me… :) However, difficult to remember!
futurehope says
Trying to constantly remember my standing with Christ is much better validation than whether or not my kids are obeying me…
such wise words!!!
Jenni says
A wonderful reminder! Thank you for sharing your heart.
futurehope says
You are welcome! I hope it was encouraging to you or helpful in some way.
Anonymous says
Thanks for the post. You helped me figure out the source for my feelings…which also had caused some stress…THanks!!
futurehope says
I’m so glad!!! :)
Keri at Growing in His Glory says
I appreciate your honesty and candor. I, too, have struggled with comparing my kids with other kids because if they excel in an area, I give myself a great big pat on the back. But that’s wrong because I usually am not responsible for their “successes.” However, I think it’s really more about me as a mom wanting to feel good about myself when, as you said, I should feel good about myself simply because I am their mom and no one else can love them more or better than I can.
Thanks for the encouragement to stop comparing.
futurehope says
You are welcome! we are all in this together, and it’s amazing how often we’re all struggling with the same thing!!!
Callie Nicole says
This is a great post – I think it’s so easy to compare our children (and ourselves) to others, and it can be a hard habit to break! I love when you said that God chose us to be the moms to our specific children – so true, and He chose us for a reason!
futurehope says
Exactly :) I have been amazed at how hard this habit is to break! I’ve been trying for a couple weeks, but still find myself doing it at times!!! ugh.
Terri says
I love this post so much! I fall into the same trap and often, when I find myself over-reacting to something they do, it’s because they aren’t “measuring up.” Sad, but true. Something I’m continually working on.
futurehope says
Very true! I have found myself doing the same thing. working on it!!!
Kate @ Teaching What Is Good says
“For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding.” 2 Cor 10:12
What you wrote about today is one of the biggest struggles that we all go through as moms…comparing ourselves (and our children) to one another instead of comparing us all to Jesus!
He is the One who is the standard that guides us as moms and the only One who is guiding where we go in our lives.
Pride and fear go hand in hand with this perverse desire to compare our children to others. And the reality is, the comparison we LOOK TO is not even real. We can never know the reality of another family’s life. We only see the outside, the part shown to the public.
Leaving that standard up to God is so much healthier for us AND for our children!
Excellent post!
futurehope says
Thank you so much Kate. “pride and fear go hand in hand” I never thought about that, but that is SO TRUE!!! wow. good thing to be aware of.
futurehope says
Hi tina! thanks so much for sharing, I will have to check it out!
futurehope says
Thanks so much Christie!
Denise says
Appreciate your honest heart, be blessed.
Latoya @ A Peaceful Crib says
Your honesty is so much appreciated. That is how we all grow in Christ by admitting to what is wrong and leaning on the guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit to give us the knowledge to become more Christ like. Stay encouraged and continue to share your story in spite of. You are helping people by sharing your testimony and it’s not for our glory or our condemnation, it is all for the Glory of God!
futurehope says
thank you so much for the encouragement, and for reading! :)
Jaclyn says
This was a great post. So humble, my friend. How amazing is our Gracious Jesus that he helps us with moments like this. We are descendants of Adam and eve, so yes we’re sinners. And God does forgive!!!!!!!
futurehope says
so grateful for his help and forgiveness!!!
TheBurkes says
Just found your blog – this post actually and THANK YOU! SO ironic because I just did so with my son, about 15 min ago, compared him to his 2 friends – because of his behavior lately has been a questions for us. And top of that I yell at him — yes, I already failed twice toward my son this early morning (10 am!). And it just remind me that I need to be more on my knees, not just to pray for my husband and son but for me. I know I love my son so much that I don’t want to see him fail or misbehave, so he will be likable .. but really, how do I do that if the spirit is not in him to help him grow in that area? Yelling and comparing him is not going to help but instead I need to lift him up more in prayers – only God through the Holy Spirit will help him change, no me! Thank you so much for this great reminder and thank you for being real, we all moms need to hear it :-)
futurehope says
so glad this was able to help you :)
thanks for commenting and being real ;)
Mary @ Woman to Woman says
I’m so glad you wrote about this. After working as a counselor with countless women through the years, I’ve found that most moms struggle with comparing their children and deriving their significance and worth from the accomplishments of their children. I must say, I think your children are so blessed to have a mom who recognizes their unique value and is keyed in on the comparison issue.
Mary @ Woman to Woman says
Thanks so much for coming by today and following! I dropped by your site on Thurs., left a comment and became a follower. Love your site!
Stacey says
Great post and definitely something I needed to read. I struggle with this so much (and most moms do as well!) Thank you for calling it what it really is…pride. I find myself justifying my comparisons by thinking that I just want my kids to be the best they can be, but in actuality, it’s all about me. Thank you for being so honest!
Heather Hayes says
Okay, so I just read the whole series, and this is awesome! Honesty is one of the best encouragements. I know this will help me out someday! I admire you very much!
Heather Hayes says
Also, I just want to commend you for your gracious way of dealing with critics! ;)