I forgot how much marriage changes after a baby. I remember that life changes a lot, and I tried my best to prepare myself for that. But, I forget the impact that a little one can have on marriage. It is not a bad thing, but it is definitely something to be aware of as your family grows so it does not become a negative change!
I have been thinking about it a lot this weekend, and I feel like I have figured out some concepts that will help me in the coming weeks. I hope some of these will help you as well.
One of the biggest things is being intentional. Before baby it was easy to find time to interact with my hubby. Even though we have a toddler we had found a rhythm to life and didn’t have to be terribly intentional in order to connect. We had our weekly date night, we were playing board games together a lot, and had time in the evenings to talk. We had our ‘normal’ and it was working for us. Then baby girl came and shook up our normal. Time that we used to have to ourselves is now shared with a newborn. Family dinners often take place with hubby & Little Man at the table eating & me in the living room nursing baby girl. By the time our son goes to bed we are often too tired to do anything relaxing that we want to do. There’s often no “unwinding” from a busy day because we are too tired to take the time to do anything except fall in to bed to sleep! This makes daily life tiring for us. We both recognize that this is just a stage and that in a few months things will calm down and we will discover ourselves settling in to a new type of ‘normal’ for ourselves. Finding a new rhythm for our family’s daily life. This knowledge makes this stage more bearable, but no less difficult!
This week I got discouraged. I felt very overwhelmed. I am a stay at home mama to two kids under the age of two and my hubby works 11-12 hours a day, and then comes home to help with the kids before our son’s bedtime at 7pm. We both end our days exhausted.
But I realized something about myself this weekend. Yes, I have been stressed, yes I have been feeling overwhelmed (I was aware of both of those things), but what I hadn’t realized until today was that when I feel stressed and/or overwhelmed I then begin feeling unloved. I feel like no one is taking care of me because of these two emotions.
don’t worry, he’s not asleep!
I think it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed with a newborn and a 22 month old. I was expecting those things. But, I was not prepared to feel like I wasn’t appreciated or loved. Though, when I really think about it, there is no truth to this last emotion. It is just a byproduct of the other emotions I’m feeling. My hubby loves me more than I deserve. He works 12 hours a day because he loves me. He comes home with a smile on his face and plays with the kids while I cook dinner because he loves us. These are just ordinary, every day things, but they speak wonders of the love that we share.
It’s just that, when I’m stressed I stop looking for the ordinary. I stop smiling when I see Hubby and Little Man laughing together on the floor or building an awesome train track. I stop enjoying and being thankful for those beautiful pieces of ordinary life because I’m looking for something special. I’m looking for something that makes me snap out of feeling overwhelmed and tired. And I miss the beauty in the little things. I miss the display of love in the ‘every day’ moments because I’m looking for something extraordinary. Not realizing that the love of family is extraordinary and special. It is the beauty that I’m looking for. I’m just looking so hard that I miss it.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I need a little something extra. An extra “thank you” an extra “I love you” anything to make me feel more loved & appreciated, anything to make me feel more connected to my hubby. Today I realized, if I need these things, if I’m feeling overwhelmed, hubby probably is too. I can’t forget in these moments of personal tiredness to do what I can to help my hubby feel loved and appreciated. I can’t forget to thank him for the ‘ordinary’ things that he does to show his love for his family. I’m realizing that in stages of stress and transition for our family it is so important that we both intentionally build each other up. And really, when I start to encourage him a bit more, it encourages me too! It opens my eyes to the beauty in the every day. The precious moments that I would have overlooked in my search for something special or exciting.
Every moment can be precious. Every moment can be something special. It is not all easy, I still feel tired and overwhelmed a lot, but I can see the beauty of this season. I can enjoy the blessings even through the tantrums, the neediness of 2 kids and the lack of sleep. I can see the beauty. and I can find joy in the ordinary.
Gabrielle says
I love your honesty! And we’ve all been there, but trust me when I say that it does get easier. Some things, like pregnancy, have been much tougher with my third baby, but our perspective is much better, because we know that this stage won’t last forever. Enjoy it while you can, even when it’s tough.
futurehope says
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I’m learning to enjoy most of the tough times, but some are harder than others ;) hehehehe
The Barbers says
Great thoughts. Thank you for really sharing your heart and being honest about the toughness of this season! I’m there with you girl. The way you explained how you feel makes so much sense and I am discovering I am the same way. Stress and being overwhelmed leads to me to feeling unappreciated and unloved. These are lies the enemy wants us to believe and stay wallowing in.
Hide God’s words of love in your heart dear sister. Listen to an audio bible while you nurse if you have to, or a sermon online (www.reviveourhearts.com is my absolute fav.)
And remember (speaking to myself too) you have received an unmeasurable amount of grace!
Grace For That
futurehope says
Thank you so much! those are great ideas! (though normally when I nurse I’m trying to make sure my toddler doesn’t destroy the house! lol)
I’m glad this was encouraging to you. Just visited your blog and I am really enjoying it! thank you for sharing it with me! I’m following you now :)
Denise says
Beautiful honesty, thanks.
futurehope says
THank you. I hope it was an encouragement to you <3
Alicia says
Oh, I remember how those baby days left me feeling so unloved and tired. And now that my “baby” is three and her siblings are 5, 8, 12, and 14, I still struggle with having enough energy for my sweet husband at the day’s end. Thanks for the wisdom and truth that you’ve captured here. I’m hopping over from Playdates today! Blessings as you keep celebrating the ordinary!
futurehope says
wow, I can’t imagine my babies being that big!!! eeek!
Ducky says
I absolutely KNOW so many people will be able to identify with this and that you’ve shed light in some dark corners by sharing your experience and knowledge. I for sure needed to read this today. Yesterday was one of those “I am an island. There is no one but me” days even though I know that isn’t the case. I really DON’T have to carry it alone anymore.
So glad you linked up with Shell today. Visiting from there.
futurehope says
I’m sorry you feel like this too, I hope this post helps!!! <3
Kelly says
This is such true life my friend. I have been where you are and sometimes that comes back too. That was the hardest thing for me when I became a stay at home mom. I felt no one cared what I was doing. I felt like it didn’t even matter sometimes. I felt like i wanted attention sometimes. I promise you you will settle in and things WILL get better. We have 4 kiddos and my oldest just turned 3. This is a tough season but i see it getting better! Phew! :):)
futurehope says
yay for positive change :)
glad you are coming out of it, that is encouraging to hear!!!
Beckey says
SO much truth in this post! Thank you! This is a difficult season in any woman’s life. It is so easy to get caught up in the tiredness, the “doing” – that we forget to take time to appreciate all the blessings that also come with it.
futurehope says
Thank you for sharing, I hope this encouraged you!!!
Dolly@Soulstops says
Such wisdom and beauty in your honest words…isn’t it amazing the difference it makes when we are intentional about building up another…praying God continues to refresh you and lets you know how much you are loved…
futurehope says
It is truly amazing! :)
Laura Boggess says
What good insight you have to realize this about yourself. Very wise. Being intentional can breathe new life into love, I think. Lovely thoughts.
futurehope says
I agree! thank you for the encouragement!
More Than Mommies says
You’ve got it! Living with intention. Your life sounds similar to my own in that I am also a SAHM with a hubby working very long days. The life of a SAHM is very thankless. Our “bosses” don’t always show their appreciation. Their hugs and kisses and snuggles are wonderful, but not the same as the kind of reassurance and love we can get from our spouse.
futurehope says
very true! though smiles and giggles are a pretty good “reward” as well :)
Shell says
It’s hard to have a newborn and a toddler- I remember those days of being so exhausted I couldn’t put together a rational thought. And I ended up taking it out on my husband- through nothing he’d really done, just picking b/c he was there.
futurehope says
YEah, I have found myself doing the same thing :( working on that!!!
Amanda says
Thank you so much for linking up with me today! I’m not a mama, but I do know that nurturing a marriage takes a lot of intentionality. (Is that a word?) You are so very right!
futurehope says
I say we make it a word if it’s not! lol :)
Jenn says
Thank you for sharing this! It’s so good for me too to look for the little joys, especially when I start feeling under appreciated! I find that when I stop “doing” and just enjoy my children, I recognize those small joys all the more :) Congrats on your new little one, by the way!
futurehope says
thanks! I like your phrase “stop doing and just enjoy” it is so important to do that sometimes!!!
Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? says
There are so many feelings and emotions when you’ve just had a baby..and add to that having another little one at home…it’s tough.
futurehope says
so true. it is getting better though thankfully
Misty Leask says
Oh my goodness! I totally can relate to this post! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and for linking up with Simply Helping Him! Blessings!
futurehope says
thanks Misty!
Cheryl Smith says
So glad to find you from the Saturday Spotlight. Your post shows such wisdom. Too often we allow our emotions to serve as compass, when in reality, we need only Truth. And lots of reminders. :) I’m passing this along to a couple of young mom friends.
futurehope says
Thank you Cheryl. I hope it will encourage them as well!: )
futurehope says
Thanks so much Jennifer! I’m sure the challenges just become different as they get older! I’m just hoping for more sleep at this point. lol ;)
futurehope says
very true!
Kendra @ A Proverbs 31 Wife says
Your honesty is refreshing. We are still in the childless stage and I know children can make a difference in your everyday routine. The only thing I can offer is prayers for you and and the assurance that things do get better (oldest of 6 kids ;) ) Thanks for sharing this at Matrimonial Mondays!
Mai Bateson says
Thanks for sharing your story! It was very inspiring! My hubby and I are looking forward to have kids someday.. and your story gives me an idea of the unknown… Yes, always be thankful for those beautiful pieces of ordinary life! Stay positive! :)
Fawn Weaver says
Paula, you continue to impress me so much! Love the conclusion you came to in this post and I’m sure it takes a huge weight off of both of your shoulders knowing each of you are putting the other’s needs first.
Sara Konesheck says
Wow, this post really hit home for me as a first time mom to an 8 week old. My husband and I had a conversation the other night about the status of our relationship. We have found ourselves being snippy because we aren’t connected due to the business of a newborn. We had a good conversation, took the 5 Love Languages quiz and talked about how we can make each other feel appreciated.