Pretty much every one who’s been a mom for longer than a week has endured less-than-lovely comments about her baby/child made by a stranger. The most common one I get is “you have your hands full” (thanks captain obvious) I’ve written about it before but it’s still annoying and I worry how it will make my kids feel as Little Man is quickly becoming old enough to understand the snarky comments that are made about him in his presence.
I can’t change the fact that some people will always look at me (and my kids) and treat me as if I’m single-handedly over populating the earth or raising wild orangutans while trying to pass them off as children. I can’t change the way society views me or my kids but I can change my reaction too it and ensure that my kiddos know I don’t feel that way about them.
I don’t want to be rude to the people who say thoughtless things about my kids but I want to make it clear both the the stranger and to my children, that I love them and don’t view them as a burden or pain.
So here are my top comebacks to rude/thoughtless things said about my kids by strangers.
The comment ……“I’d hate to be you (with all those kids/those hyper kids)”
The comebacks:
- Oh, I love it!
- My children are such a JOY!
- I wouldn’t want to be anyone else!
The comment: “that looks exhausting”
- Exhausting? maybe, but we have so much fun together!
- It’s a good kind of exhausting! :)
- oh but it’s wonderful!
The comment: “you have your hands FULL”
- Yes they are…and I wouldn’t want them to be any other way.
- Not quite as full as my heart!
- They are full, exactly how I want them to be!
The comment: “wow he’s a really grumpy kid”
- We all have our off days
- We’re both a little tired of shopping
What are the craziest comments you’ve ever gotten about your kids? How do you respond?
Allie at The Purposeful Housewife says
Paula,
This is great! I have needed responses to these comments, especially being so young and even younger-looking and having three kids so close in age. Thank you for writing this!
Melissa says
I get comments a lot (I’ve got three of my own, plus two stepdaughters, and a tendency to take a lot of my friend’s kids along wherever we’re going), but I always think of the comments as vaguely envious or as compliments. I honestly can’t think of any negative comments I’ve ever gotten. I’ve gotten the “you’ve got your hands full!” and the “you must be busy!” but I just grin back and agree. I do have my hands full and I am super busy – that’s not a negative. People always smile back at me – I think when they comment, they aren’t looking to criticize, maybe just to support or give encouragement. They might be thinking “better you than me,” but nobody has ever said it out loud.
Grace says
I am a mother of twins. I heard, “There’s double trouble”
I responded, “No. They are a double blessing!”
Keri says
We have three kids (ages 4, 2, & 11 months). I constantly get, “You know what causes that, don’t you?” I have to work hard NOT to say something rude or sarcastic back, but I usually say, “Yes, I do, and the Lord is so good. Isn’t He?” People don’t see children as blessings but as burdens, so I want them to see that my children are a blessing from the Lord.
Emma says
Many parents feel very blessed to have their children, me included, but keep in mind that lots of other people aren’t religious or have a different religion than yours. Saying that your own children are a blessing to you is a lovely thing to say! But trying to convince all people who view children as burdens that they are instead blessings from the deity you worship might not be as well received. I have a friend is struggling with infertility and I remember her saying it hurt her to hear people when people would say children are a gift from God, because if that were true, she wondered why God would not gift her. At this time, if anyone can help give her the gift of a pregnancy and baby it will be the doctor who is treating her – without her doctor/treatment, it won’t happen. Also, if gir is raped and becomes pregnant she may not feel her baby is a blessing from God, anyone in that situation may see it as a burden, especially if the mom was raped by a family member, or if she is a very young teen, or if she is mentally or physically ill and/or doesn’t have the money to afford pregnancy care, let alone to raise a baby and may chose an abortion or to give it up for adoption due to her dire circumstances. You might see it differently, but other people have different views too, so I don’t think you need to try to convince them to see it your way, everyone’s entitled to their own beliefs. I said this in my other comment, that I honestly don’t think anybody should be trying to convince other people of anything when it comes to how a person feels about children (and also religion). If someone dislikes children and sees them as a burden, I think it’s good that they are aware of how they feel, so they will know not to have them/take measures to avoid pregnancy. All children deserve parents who truly want them and are capable of caring for them, and I think it’s a bad idea to try and get people who know it’s not for them to see how great being a parent is or how children are blessings/gifts from the lord. I think people who see kids as burdens are best off doing something else with their life.
Rhetta says
It hurts my heart that moms of large families get insensitive comments. Please know that there are plenty of people with smaller families who consider children a blessing, not a burden. While I don’t have a large family, I definitely regard children as wonderful gifts from the Lord. Moms, please don’t think that every woman (or man) without a larger number of children considers little ones nothing but trouble.
(Having said that, I recently received an insensitive comment about my 31-year-old daughter’s judgment in a ministry situation from someone thirteen hours away who has never met her–and it brought out the ‘mama bear’ in me. I can surely relate to the protective side of motherhood!)
Karina says
I honestly can’t believe how thoughtless people are when comments come out of their mouths… complete strangers no less, who know nothing about us!
Definitely is helpful to have some thought-through comebacks that are forgiving and gracious.
Thx.
Bibi says
wow, I can’t believe people actually say out loud that your child is grumpy. That’s very rude of them! Great comeback, though. Might have to borrow a couple from you ;-)
Thanks for sharing!
Becca @ The Earthlings Handbook says
I’ve never gotten many comments I considered rude, but crazy? Yeah.
A lady followed me home arguing that I must be mistaken about the gender of my six-month-old baby: “Boys aren’t that pretty! That’s a girl! Look at those eyelashes! Why are you lying? It’s a girl!” I just kept patiently repeating, “Actually, he’s a boy.” I was sooo tempted to whip off his diaper to show her, but that would be disrespectful of my child’s dignity. :-)
Old lady at a bus stop: “You’re lucky my husband passed away.”
Me: “What?!?”
Old lady: “Your baby is so cute, he would’ve kidnapped him.”
Me: “Uhh…o-kaaayy…glad it’s worked out!”
When my son was a toddler, he was sitting in a restaurant high chair, happily eating an array of finger foods, when a woman stuck her head in front of his and said loudly, “They don’t feed you. You are just starving! Somebody needs to love you and fatten you up!” (I guess she thought he wasn’t roly-poly enough? He was well above average weight, but tall too.) He started to shriek about this strange person getting in his face, so I said, “Excuse me, he can’t reach his food with your head in the way.” She gave me a dirty look and stomped away.
Last summer, when my son was 7, he was being very helpful to the customers at our yard sale. One customer kept referring to him as “little lady” so he finally said, “I’m a boy actually.” She went on and on and on about how surprised she was that a boy would be so helpful and polite!!! I think she may even have been the same person who insisted he was a girl when he was a baby–she looked possibly familiar. I said, “We think manners are important for everyone,” in probably rather a snippy voice because I was thinking, “How about using YOUR manners and not insulting an entire gender?!”
He has curly hair and chooses to wear it long in back, and some of his outfits are gender-neutral, so it makes sense that people sometimes are uncertain of his gender. It’s only when someone is certain he’s a girl for silly reasons that we get upset.
Diane says
I am so sorry that many of you moms interpret a comment of “You have your hands full!” as being rude or thoughtless. I think of myself as a polite person, yet am guilty of saying that to people occasionally. I am mortified to think that someone that I said that to would think that I am rude or insensitive. When I make that remark, it is actually said out of admiration, as I know that I would be incapable of managing more than a couple of children at a time.
Try to think of it as a compliment instead of taking offense. Ever see a juggler and wonder how he manages to do what he does? It’s pretty awe-inspiring…
Paula says
Thanks for your words Diane, I doubt that you making the comment is offensive if that is what you mean by it! It does get old (Because it’s a phrase that a LOT of people use) but it’s only offensive when it’s accompanied by glares and other rude comments. It’s usually obvious what a person’s intent is when they say it, and some are smiling as they remember being in a similar situation, some are looking on with awe, but there are definitely people who look at moms as if they are doing something wrong for having children or having kids that are not quiet every moment of the day :)
A lot is in the tone/context of the comment, and I’m sure a lot is in the emotional/hormones of the mama as well! I definitely remember days when people have smiled and said things like “you are doing great mama” and, although those types of comments are more rare, they are so precious to me, because I know for sure they are said without judgement or ill intent :)
Emily @ My Love for Words says
It’s amazing what some people feel comfortable saying to complete strangers, isn’t it? I have 4 kids (11, 4, 20 mo, and 4 mo), and I get the “You’ve got your hands full” and “You’re busy!” comments a lot, but those never really bother me because they’re true. Our realtor (i.e. someone we barely know) once said, “You know what causes this, right?” and I was a little taken aback by it, but I know he just probably didn’t know what else to say and would’ve have said it if he thought it would be offensive in any way. I’m not really bothered with the comments and looks from others. What bothers me a lot more is when people think they can offer parenting advice when they don’t know us and especially when the don’t have kids of their own. My oldest has adhd and is extremely impulsive and hyper. When he was 5 (so pretty much out of control every waking moment) we were in a store with a bunch of breakable stuff, and a woman stomped by me and screamed, “Just leave him alone!!” because I’d been telling him to be careful. I was in shock! Those encounters, though rare, really upset me a lot.
Bonnie Way says
Oh yeah, we get comments. I have three girls and the most common questions right now are whether my oldest two are twins (nope – they’re over two years apart) and whether the baby is a boy or a girl. In fact, we get these comments so often that my oldest has started answering them before they even get asked – and she’s only five!!! I get the “you must be busy!” and “you have your hands full” a lot too so I’ll have to remember some of these nice responses… :)
Anne says
I am a mother of three grown chikldren, one of which had Asperger’s Syndrome which elicits A LOT of rude comments from just about everyone you can think of. My own pastor told me once that my son’s disabilities were a result of the fact that I apparently didn’t love him enough. He was not diagnosed at that stage. When I explained what he had been diagnosed with, his answer was typically rude and dismissive. As you will imagine, we have left that church.
think as women, and in particular mothers (whose primary god-given objective is the protection and nurture of her children) we need to recognise that the world is a hostile place. Our society has lost its ability to discern hostility and sometimes that hostility which comes is very subtle. Sometimes its so subtle it doesn’t look like hostility, but our instincts will ALWAYS tell us when behaviour is either threatening or wrong.
Let me give you an example of an incident which happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, an anxious poodle/cross through a park and saw a big man walking a big rottweiler towards me down the path. I was wakling towards a doggy drinking fountain because my dog was thirsty, and he came up to me with his dog. I tried to explain that ‘my dog just wants a drink’, but his words were ‘NO, BUT…my dog is friendly’. and then he walked his dog over to mine so that it could sniff my dog. Now, my dog walked around me nervously and then finally sniffed at this dog tentatively. They walked away pretty quickly after that and the incident was over in seconds.
However, as is my want, I spent the rest of my walk mulling over what just happened, and I realised, I was making it clear that I didn’t want this man or his dog near my dog. I don’t like rottwieilers, and don’t trust strangers and their dogs because I have had plenty of situations where a dog owner will say “he’s very friendly” and my dog ends up being harassed and intimidated by theirs because they are so overbearing. If you look, dogs will tell you when they are not happy, and as a dog owner it is my responsibility to protect my dog from other dogs if they are bothering her.
Also, please note, the first words out of this man’s mouth were No, and But. He was not only dismissing my stated intention of walking away from him to give my dog a drink, but expected me to allow his dog to sniff my dog reardless of the fact that i both verbally and physically made it clear I wasn’t comfortable with doing that.
Again, the rest of society will sneer at me. There must be something wrong with you if you can’t see that this guy menat not harm. Really? Let’s look at this more closely. A big man walking a big dog with an aggressive reputation walks up to a strange woman with a smaller dog who is trying to get away from him and insists that she not only do what he wanted, but makes it clear that he doesn’t think she should have the right to walk away.
No, means I don’t agree, or I don’t want you to do that, or I am not happy with that. It is not a word you want to hear when you are trying to get away from a stranger with a big dog. Now it turned out that his dog didn’t hurt my dog, but you will find that in dog behaviour, it is an aggressive act for a dog to come right up to another dog front on, as this dog did, and sniff nose to nose. Strange dogs will always circle each other first and sniff each other from side on, as this is considered friendly behaviour. My dog picked up on this and moved around to try and get behind me as soon as this dog appeared. So I was not only picking up on my dog’s behavioural cues, I was aware that this man was not listening to me, or aware of how his dog was behaving.
You can excuse this behaviour by saying he was ignorant of dog behaviour, he meant well, he didn’t have hostile intentions etc. But at the end of the day, if somebody’s behaviour is offensive to you, FOR WHATEVER REASON, you have a right and a responsibility to say NO to them and do what you can to back away.
I was upset because this man didn’t listen to my NO either verbally or physically and insisted that I allow him to do waht made him happy. I start to get upset also when I feel I am being ignored or belittled by a complete stranger, especially when it is a man, because I feel threatened and even scared.
We need to stop feeling guilty or ashamed of our feelings when others intrude on our space or refuse to respect our rights. I think it is really important for women in particular to stop psychoanalysing people’s actions by their intentions. It doesn’t matter what a person’s intentions are, if their actions violate your pesronal space and they treat you like you are the problem when you defend yourself, then they are the problem.
Eric Henderson says
My wife and I our foster parents, we have adopted 4 and have 2 birth children , at the moment we have 8 children under the age of 10 in our home ,when we goto the store or out to eat were always bombarbded with coments of ” ARE THEY ALL YOURS!!!’ i have grown acustom to pointing at my wife and saying ” she just cant keep her hands off me” or ” yea we used to be amish” the dumbfounded looks we get our priceless
Sharon says
While leaving the post office today, my toddler let out a little squeal (not a scream) and a postal clerk said they should record her for the next “Stephen King film” (really?!) and I didn’t have to say anything because the clerk working next to her immediately said “that was a really rude thing to say!”
Emma says
Yes, these days many people do seem to have a hostile attitude towards families, but a person saying “You’ve got your hands full” – of all things – is not an example of that. It isn’t a rude or negative comment, or meant to offend, they’re just remarking on the situation and acknowledging you – instead of just looking straight ahead and ignoring you, as you juggle your kids. Same with “that looks exhausting” – well, isn’t it? Of course being a Mom is exhausting. That comment isn’t snark either, again, they’re just acknlowdging you. Would you rather them say “that looks sooo easy” as you struggle to get your fussy or hyper little ones through the store? People can definitely be legitimately rude, but you can’t assume *every* comment is said with malicious intentions, by someone who wants to bring you down. For all the negative people, there are many others who maybe just don’t know what to say. They might not realize that you’re taking their comment in a different way than they’d intended.
When people make iffy comments to me, I don’t feel the need to defend myself or my baby. My daughter means everything to me and I love being a mom, but let’s be real, she isn’t always a perfect joy lol. If someone says something that I think is meant to be snarky, instead of getting defensive or praising my kid and declaring my passion for motherhood, I usually smile and make a joke or use a little humour in responding – I find doing so totally changes the tone of the exchange, and breaks the tension for both of us. I’m also a fan of killing them with a bit of kindness (as long as they haven’t said something outrageously insulting of course).
In a couple of rare cases I’ve been out with my daughter and she has started wailing and having a meltdown. Of course, in those cases I began tending to her while simultaneously getting us some place private immediately or leaving – and I’m apologetic about it to those we disrupted. Because if my baby is disrupting people in public places, it’s on me, and not anyone else’s fault – I get people’s annoyance and glares in those circumstances. I’m no where near perfect, but I really do try my best to have consideration for others and understanding for them with possible – even when they don’t seem to have any for me. But often when they see I’m doing my best and showing them respect/consideration, they soften, and have a lot more patience. I’ve come to believe it isn’t necessarily the children themselves that people have such disdain for these days, it’s the self-entitled parents who believe the world should revolve around them that others have the issue with.
But like I said, I don’t think most people who say “you’ve got your hands full” or “that looks tiring” are at all having an issue with you, they’re probably just making conversation/acknlowdging you, instead just pretending you don’t exist as you wrestle with your kids and grocery cart while standing behind them in line at the store. Trying to convince them that your kids aren’t a burden to you is unnecessary. If they see kids as a burden, that’s how they feel, it’s about them not you.
Emma says
Also, I read your examples of your potential responses and I’ll be honest, they sound like someone who is going overboard trying to persuade another person how amazing motherhood is and how much they love it. I’m talking about the first three sets btw, your responses to the last comment – people saying your kid is grumpy – are great answers. But the others sound a bit exaggerated and it ends up coming off as kind of insincere and almost a little desperate. I don’t mean this unkindly, I’m just being honest with you so that you can consider it, incase you don’t realize it. I know that’s how you feel, but in terms of how it comes off, if I were the stranger in question, and you gave me some of those lines for a possibly harmless comment, I would wonder why you need to try so hard convince a stranger that you love being a mom? It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you feel your kids are burden, they don’t know you and you don’t need to prove anything to them. And it doesn’t matter if they think kids are a burden for themselves – why should it bother you if they prefer a different lifestyle or find child-rearing too exhausting/burdensome for themselves? Lots of people feel that way, and my philosophy is that if someone expresses an aversion to kids or out right says that parenting is too much/too tiring/not for them etc the last thing I would want to do is try and persuade them otherwise, because kids deserve parents who want them and are capable of caring for them.
As for your own children, I don’t think you need to spit out your comebacks for their sake either. Now if someone says in front of your child “he/she is a horrible child, I’m sure you wish you had aborted that awful little brat” or something super terrible, obviously any Mom would fire back immediately on their child’s behalf. But a few comments from strangers about how you have your hands full, how you look tired, or asking how you do it are nothing compared to the unconditional love I’m sure you’ve showed your kids their entire lives. They know that you love being their Mom and they know all the fun you have together and them hearing that their moms hands are full and or their mom’s tired won’t change their beliefs and what they know to be true about their mom’s love for them.
Alicia Ortego says
It’s not news that respect to all people should be regardless of all differences: racial or cultural. This is the first thing that parents have to teach their kids. Also, kids should be taught to respect themselves. Without being confident of their own features kids will not be able to see the good in other people and respect them. Talks about respect should not be boring. I actually have fun and cool activities to teach kids respect here https://aliciaortego.com/teach-kids-respect-activities/