I have been sitting on this post for months now, unsure if I should ever hit publish. I’m getting pretty personal today, but I decided I would go ahead and share honestly with you all, so here goes…
I’m a really skinny person. I don’t mean to be, I certainly don’t try to be, I just am. It’s a fact of my life and it’s a something that every one around me feels the need to comment on. We are a skinny-obsessed culture, and it really shows.
People make remarks about how much weight I’ve lost since having kids. Some people say nice things, some people say rude things disguised as compliments and others make innocent comments not realizing that I’m cringing a little inside.
Let me ask you this: How am I supposed to respond when some one says “you are so skinny!” or “you don’t look like you’ve had two kids!”
Do I just say “thanks” and look like a stuck up weight obsessed person? Do I try to laugh it off? Should I try to blame it on living in a 3rd story apartment and having to lug my kids and groceries up 2 flights of stairs multiple times a day? I can’t say “oh, I don’t even try to lose weight” (thought that’s the truth) because then I really look like a jerk…It’s an all around awkward situation that I’m faced with All. The. Time.
I usually just laugh nervously and try to explain that my body did change after having kids… but this usually doesn’t work. People just go on and on about my tinyness and oftentimes their lack of tinyness; and there is just no good way for me to participate in that discussion.
I do weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with my first baby, and the truth is I don’t mean to. I don’t even want to. I have to work hard to keep weight on. It’s not the problem that most women struggle with but it is still a problem for me. Constantly hearing things like “you are so tiny” or “gosh it doesn’t even look like you had a baby” gets old.
I know that most people intend these words as compliments, so I do my best to let them roll off me (though I’m still baffled at what an appropriate response could be).
Honestly though? In my life I’ve face a huge battle with eating “issues”. I’ll never know for sure if I had a clinical eating disorder because I never sought medical help for it, but let’s just say, it was a common thing for me to find myself at 5pm realizing I hadn’t eaten a thing for the entire day. I’m past that now but I still don’t “enjoy” eating the way a normal person would. I still have to remind myself to eat 3 meals a day and I try to drink extra protein shakes between meals to maintain a good body weight. There are a lot of deep rooted reasons that I’ll never be a food-obsessed person (none of them having to do with my own weight) but even when I’m eating decently, I just don’t gain weight.
When these mostly innocent people make comments about my thinness they have no way of knowing how discouraged I am that none of my pants will stay snug anymore. They have no idea how hard it is for me to remember to eat, or how much I was desperately hoping that I was doing better, that I was gaining weight. They don’t mean any harm, but harm comes anyway.
In the past few months I’ve slowly become okay with the comments that I’m constantly receiving. They don’t usually hurt anymore, I understand why they are said and I don’t let it get to me. But I’m still baffled that, although every one knows that you shouldn’t mention the weight of a plus size girl, people seem to think that a skinny girl’s weight is fair game to loudly and publicly discuss.
So, I thought it might be helpful to know: telling some one she’s “so skinny” is not always the compliment that you intend it to be. Sometimes, that skinny girl is trying to gain weight and it can be discouraging to her because it’s like you’re telling her she’s failing.
Maybe instead of commenting on a girl’s size (regardless if she is skinny, average or plus size) we could all just start commenting on her beauty, or even better, her character.
“you are such a kind friend”
“you look great today”
“I love that top”
“you speak with such wisdom”
“that’s a really flattering color on you”
“I love your smile”
“I value your input”
Using phrases like the ones above, that truly compliment the person instead of inwardly comparing them to yourself/others in the room and causing them to feel awkward.
I’m all for being healthy and even for having a health body weight, but can we please stop objectifying skinny people? I am more than my skinnyness and for that matter, skinny doesn’t always equal healthy.
samantha laratta says
Hi Paula,
I have been following your blog for a few months now, and I absolutely adore your posts. This one hit home. I am also tiny and struggled with an (undiagnosed) eating disorder years ago. These days my stomach is so sensitive that I probably couldn’t eat enough to gain weight no matter how hard I might try.
I just want to thank you for sharing your story with us. Your honesty is comforting, and your insight is spot on. I used to work in a fancy dress shop where women of all sizes shopped. Some of them would make comments like “this designer makes dresses for real women” and there I was, completely too small for the entire line. I’m 37, size 0, and I promise I’m a real woman.
Like you said, most people have good intentions, and their comments are innocently made. All we can do is smile and love them anyway.
Cheers, Samantha
Paula says
thank you so much for sharing Samantha! I was so nervous about posting this, and your comment made me so glad I decided to go ahead and put it up :)
we are all real women! Size doesn’t determine our “real-ness”! Smile and nod is definitely the way to go when it gest awkward like that though lol
Heather says
Oh girl amen and amen!! I am actually working on a post that’s similar to this one! Because I am in the same place as you are. Even when I was pregnant I was smaller than most.. At 30 weeks I looked like I was just hitting my 2nd trimester.. People would tell me I was too skinny to be in the 3rd trimester. I had people ask me if I was eating (which was a slap in the face to me!) And afterwards it was the same old same old. “you’re so skinny” “I wish I was as skinny” “Are you even eating?” etc.. People really don’t understand how awkward they just made the convo. Anyways. 100% agreed with you! I always have to catch myself about commenting on a body type. Instead I like to say “You are Beeeaaautiful!”
Janie says
Love this. Love you. (:
Val - Corn, Beans, Pigs & Kids says
Great post and reminder to everyone to think beyond weight and body type no matter what side of the scale you fall on. My goal is start to complimenting people more often and not on just their appearance.
Lydia says
Beautifully written. Thank you for this. I obsess the OTHER direction even though I’m pretty average. I think people get all awkward in weird moments (like, when they make insanely-rude-but-not-intentionally-so comments about pregnant women), and this post helps shed a light on the fact that we should all watch what we say. Thank you.
Vanessa says
I love love love love love this Paula. I can relate. After my second baby, I dropped weight and I dropped it fast, coming in at 15+ lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. Friends commented on how I was losing too much, how I was getting too skinny, and they urged me to go to the doctor. I promised if I got below 100lbs, I would go in. When the scale read 97, I made an appointment, but the doc laughed at me and said she didn’t understand why I was concerned about a situation most people would die to be in. Really? A doctor? My thyroid came back fine, and it was simply that I wasn’t eating enough for all the breastfeeding I was doing… even though I was eating everything I could all the time. Now that little miss has weaned, I’ve gained a bit back, but I’m unhappy with my body still. My breasts have disappeared (knew it was coming – my mom’s built the same way), and my 0s are now too tight, but my 3s are still too loose, and I can’t afford to buy any new clothes! You are so right about the words meant as compliments being a slap in the face sometimes. It’s hard to know how to respond to them, and I wish we could move past the focus on size and look to what’s underneath. Thank you, Paula for sharing this. There are many of us struggling with this post-baby weight loss, and I have heard from so many friends how discouraging and scary it is to keep losing.
Nicolette Springer says
Oh, I so agree and wrote a similar post a while back. People say rude things and think it’s okay because you are thin. But the truth is that if that comment was turned around and said to an overweight person everyone would know it was rude. I’m healthy and work very hard to stay that way but am still self conscience about being thin because other Moms aren’t and it really is like being in high school but in reverse sometimes. They think they are funny with the skinny comments but it’s very uncomfortable at times. Thanks for sharing and being so honest.
Dru @ Teenage Cakeland says
I love this post. I actually have an eating disorder, but for me it’s difficult to lose weight and I binge often. My friend has trouble putting weight on, though, and she is often offended when others tell her how thin she is. I wish weight and figure wasn’t a thing we all cared so much about.
Alicia says
I am with you completely on this topic. Probably the only time I was considered “big” was when I was a 9 lb, 5 oz baby. Ever since then, hearing “you’re so skinny” comments has been my life. After much frustration, my ‘inward’ response finally became “forgive them, they probably don’t know they’re saying something offensive”. I think my OUTWARD response most of the time is “Yeeeah…” and then I change the subject, haha. Still awkward, I suppose…oh well!
Kim says
Paula, so glad you wrote this. It is pressing my hot buttons. People don’t think before they speak. I used to be low 120s, but then gained a bunch of weight with my Sjogren’s. From there I dropped it extremely fast and went under 100 and have stayed at this weight now. I have had people, even friends go on and on about how great I look (when I was skin and bone with dark circles) and ask me what I’m doing to stay so fit and look so “healthy.” They are saying this even on bad days as my husband is helping me walk to our table or I’m having a hard time breathing!!! We are looking at each other like, “Does she look like she could do an exercise program right now???” You would not believe how many people asked this and looked right past how slow/awkward I was moving.
This was a BIG eye opener for us – we re-evaluated our circle of friends. This country has become so obsessed with how people look on the outside – our wrapper – they forget to notice the who on the inside now. I have had people say they are going to “feed me” or “fatten me up” at times. I realize it is their own insecurities talking, but it is very hurtful. I don’t understand why folks think it is acceptable to comment on weight if the person is skinny.
Erica {let why lead} says
I can totally relate in that whenever people say something about your size, there is just not a lot you can say back! “Uh, yeah, but I work out HARD multiple days a week”? I sound full of myself, even though it’s true. Or how about – “Uh, thanks. Guess it’s chasing after these boys of mine!” I sound like the weight just melts off. (Not true for me.) Basically, NO WIN! :)
Thanks for the message.
Amanda {A Royal Daughter} says
Well I do not have the same problem you have with trying to gain weight ;), but I do understand how insensitive words can be so hard to swallow gracefully some times. I’m really glad you shared this, I think it’s a message that needs to be told.
Annamaria @ Bakewell Junction says
Paula,
I’m on the other side of the weight issue. I haven’t always been but now my metabolism is slowing and walking 15 miles a week hasn’t helped me to lose weight. I’ve watched my weight most of my life and I’ve never been smaller than average. I can say that those that comment on your weight are envious. They wish they could be as thin as you are. I don’t believe they are intentionally trying to hurt you. As long as you’re healthy, I wouldn’t worry about being thin.
Annamaria
Nikki@thefitfoot says
Dear Paula,
I love, love, love your post. I especially love your inspirational saying. I think as a woman you always struggle with your weight. I have always had a problem with my weight, and like you I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder though I may have one. I wish that society did not put so much emphasis on outer appearance.
thanks for sharing
Kara @ Home With Purpose says
Love this! I’ve dealt with this my entire life…I’ve always been scrawny! A related issue that gets me is when the subject of working out or getting in shape comes up…if I say I’m out of shape or need to exercise I get laughed at. Because apparently being skinny = being in shape, right? ;)
martha brady says
you make a great point. certainly the outside is much less important than the inside character qualities. i remember the days when i didn’t gain weight. that’s not the way it is now thanks to menopause. i don’t have the experience many do of having to learn to diet to lose weight. the first i gained any weight was when i was 50! i’m now having to work on it again in my late 60’s and the things htat worked bck then don’t work now:(
thinking aobut what i put into my mouth all the time is a real pain:( but i need to do it as well as exercise! i’ve gotten backt to exercising…now i need to diet as well. no fun whether you have to eat more than you want or less:(
Dolly says
I’m a plus-sized girl and I totally agree with what you’re saying! My mother is 5’9 and 118lbs…and that’s the highest she’s been in since she was pregnant with me 25 years ago! Her entire family is full of skinny women, and she is skinny too! I know, through her, that it hurts just as much when someone says “You’re so skinny…you must barely eat!” as someone saying to me, “You’re really overweight.” Point is, you’re personally attacking someone’s body!!! That isn’t acceptable! As long as it isn’t destructive (i.e. anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, etc), let them live their lives!
Alana @ Sparrow + Grace says
Society places a LOT of pressure on us, as women, to be a certain size and when we don’t fit that mold – because we’re either overweight or underweight – people feel compelled to make a comment about it. The comments concerning overweight people do seem to be expressed a bit more discretely, at least that’s been my experience {as I’m overweight myself}. No one has blurted out, “My gosh, girl, lay off the Cheetos” or whatever… But, you’re right, it seems like commenting on someone who is skinnier seems to be “fair game” for people to throw tact out the window a bit.
I love your “bottom line” point of complimenting someone on something other than their size. A good thing to keep in mind. And, for what it’s worth, you are beautiful!
Amy @ {Life to the Full} says
GREAT POST! For me, I find that if people comment on my “skinny-ness” it almost encourages me to want to be skinnier. That may sound absolutely ridiculous, but it’s a body image issue from my past that just rears it’s ugly head again!
I completely agree – complimenting a friend on her character is SO important! This world puts enough emphasis/pressure on physical appearance, it’s refreshing and helps some to keep a godly perspective when you focus on character :) I know that helps me! Less on physical worldly “perfection” and more on shaping godly character.
Al says
Thank you for your honesty and openness. As someone on the opposite side of the spectrum, I try to avoid weight related compliments. It’s nice to know it’s not just larger girls who find them discouraging.
Rae says
Your post reminds me of a meme that went around a while back that said something like, “If you can love of your curves, why can’t I love my naturally thin body?” Be proud of your healthy body! It’s a temple, after all. And how right you are that we should be acknowledging each others true, inner Beauty.
Martha Moger says
Hi Paula, my first time to read your blog and a great post here. Weight is such a massive issue either way – too much or too little. Thanks so much for sharing this and I want to tell you about a blog here in the UK called ‘A New Name’ – the link is http://emmascrivener.net/ and it’s written by the wife of a vicar here who has really struggled with her faith and with anorexia and body image and also written a very good book about it. An interesting read around all these kinds of issues.
Elisha @ Pneumatic Addict Furniture says
You have every right to be annoyed and need to vent. I would like to urge you though, please look at the intention of the comments. Most women would go to extremes (and many have) to be thin. When they are commenting on your thinness, what they really are doing is saying you have a trait that is desirable. Would you really like to be told you look like you’ve HAD kids? That being said, I realize it would never be socially acceptable to walk up to someone and say “You’re so overweight!”, so why is okay in reverse? If your low weight isn’t due to medical problems, you are VERY lucky. Please understand that those who make comments about your weight genuinely feel like they are giving you a compliment. They are just saying what they wish someone would say to them. I know those comments you receive are annoying, but I sincerely doubt they are ever as painful as what an overweight person has to go through in our society. Our culture looks at body fat like an abomination. At least your thinness won’t ever out you into a position where you are forced to buy an extra seat, or be treated like a second class citizen. And just as you may have “unhealthy” eating habits or opinions on food, so do overweight people. Trust me, its a sensitive subject for them too.
Paula says
I totally see what you are saying Elisha, and that is what I try to tell myself when I’m in the moment so I don’t get upset at the person. ;) A lot of people do feel like it’s a compliment (though some say things to be rude), and I try to receive it as such. It does get very old though when you hear it all the time, and are trying to gain weight unsuccessfully. I think it is a sensitive subject all around, but it seems like society doesn’t realize that it is a sensitive subject on the side of a skinny person. Body weight should not be an issue the way that it is, (though I am ALL for people getting healthy). People comment on my weight all. the. time. but rarely ask about other things that actually matter. It’s just crazy how weight obsessed our culture is, and yes, from both sides. Looking down on the overweight and idolizing the skinny. bleck.
I’m just hoping this post inspires people to get a little more personal with their compliments and start saying nice things about a woman’s character or personality instead of her body size (regardless of her size). ;)
thanks for sharing your thoughts <3
Anna@stuffedveggies says
This is SUCH a great post! My dear Mother struggled with the same problem when she was young. Then, she became overweight in midlife. It’s a no-win situation.
I, on the other hand have always struggled with excess weight – I was born at 10# plus, and it was a sign of things to come. Finally, when I became vegan & focused on healthy food instead of low calories, I lost 50 pounds (but am still not thin) – and for a good two years, ALL people talked about when they saw me was how I LOOKED.
Well, to be honest – I don’t LIKE to talk about how I look. I don’t care if I’m too thin or too heavy – isn’t there some other interesting topic people can discuss besides personal vanity?
Your post is oh-so-helpful for people of ALL weights – we need to stop thinking of only a person’s appearance.
Shell says
Commenting on character sounds like the way to go.
Holly @ Coconutheadsurvivalguide says
Hi Paula – Here’s the deal… I have yet to meet a woman who is 100% comfortable in her own skin. We all have issues, and it’s easier to deflect those issues on others than look in the mirror. Your beauty is defined by who you are as a person and not the number on the scale. Just smile and say “thank you” and don’t let the comments bother you. BUT… your health is of utmost importance because when Mamma’s not healthy, she can’t take care of her family. You hinted to some past issues and just please make sure that above anything else you are taking care of yourself and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Thank you for sharing such a personal struggle. Big hugs, Holly @ coconutheadsurvivalguide
Christina says
Great post. It’s funny I ran into your blog because me and some friends were talking about this the other day. I found a post from one of the pages I follow on Facebook, and she really nailed it. Here is what she said.
So here’s the thing. It is NEVER necessary to comment on another person’s weight. Whether you think you’re complimenting them for losing weight or whether you’re pointing out the fact that they have gained weight, it’s just not necessary. First of all, to point something like one’s weight out is incredibly presumptuous. Do you think that the very person you speak to hasn’t noticed? They do, after all, see themselves naked in the mirror every morning. And they also feel the stretch or bagginess, respectively, in their jeans. Trust me, if a person has gained or lost enough weight such that another person notices, they themselves are keenly aware of it as well.
Secondly, I think if you have ever had a weight issue, you can surely understand why it’s incredibly offensive when someone points out your very insecurities to you. That’s not up for argument. But have you considered that when you say to someone “Hey, you look great since you’ve lost all of that weight!” that it could be problematic? Here’s why. You have NO CLUE what’s going on inside that person’s head. Although you may mean it as a compliment, you may have just sent that person who was on the verge into a full-blown eating disorder by encouraging the behavior. Trust me when I say that in the midst of my disordered thinking and eating, simple comments like “you look great. Have you lost weight?” were quickly translated to “you look great because you’re thin and you looked horrible before because you were overweight” only encouraged further unhealthy behavior.
The only time it’s acceptable to comment on a person’s weight is when they bring it up and you have a relationship with that person that permits you to discuss issues such as weight openly. Otherwise, it’s just not necessary to put in your two cents. And that’s my two cents.
Ang says
Kudos for being so honest!!! My jaw dropped when I read the first sentence this morning because I am struggling with the same thing, feeling depressed so not eating much and thus feeling sick so then I really don’t want to eat… I never thought about people who are thinner being annoyed by comments about it, although I have a friend who is thin and struggling to gain weight. In general I don’t comment on a person’s weight because as Christina just said, there is never a good reason to. I have struggled for a while to lose my baby weight and am just now beginning to be okay with the extra 20 lbs that just won’t go away, and focus on trying to just eat properly so that I feel good instead of “dieting” and being miserable. You are exactly right, there are many things about people/their past we don’t understand, so the best thing is to be appreciative of who they are (and preaching to myself) who we are today! :) Thank you!
Alyssa Ashby says
I see where you are coming from, Paula. My younger sister is similar to you, as she is naturally a smaller framed person who has trouble gaining weight. She has a very fast metabolism that is a trait from our dad’s side of the family. Anyway, even though I personally am someone who has always been average (and slightly above average sometimes, like recently) weight/body size, I know that rude comments sting no matter what size you are, because of what people would say to my sister (even though she has always been thinner/small even as a little kid). Everyone needs to focus more on character and less on body size (unless it’s an eating disorder/health problem that needs to be addressed, but that’s something else entirely)!
Sanah says
This artciel is so true. You know my sister is trying to gain weight and making herself exhausted instaed, looking her like that is breaking my heart 😔