Sharing this post as part of the #NoTeenShame Pushback aimed at the Candie’s foundation and their atrocious adsthat attempt to shame teens out of pregnancy. Shaming teen moms in NOT the way to go about preventing teen pregnancy, and it never will be. These moms deserve our love and our support. PERIOD.
How would you feel if every one around you refused to acknowledge your successes?
How would you feel if, instead of rejoicing with you in the good times and supporting you through your struggles; your friends and family ignored them and kept reminding you of your mistakes.
What if every time you went out in public, every one knew what mistakes you had made, and whispered about them among themselves.
What if the greatest joy in your life, was also the source of much judgement and shame.
Would it make you angry? Hurt? Ashamed? Would you feel like it was unfair for people to ignore all of your good accomplishments and only focus on a single mistake?
Most of us don’t live the way I have described above. Most of us are able to hide our mistakes and shortcomings so only very few (if any) people know about them. A lot of us carry about our business while silently shaming people around us who’s mistakes are more obvious than our own.
Do you wonder who I might be talking about? I’m talking about the unwed/young mom. I’m talking about the 19 year old you see in the grocery story pushing her cart full of groceries while carrying a baby. I’m talking about the girl in target eyeing maternity clothes and hoping no one notices her.
I’m talking about the young woman who feels so out of place taking her children to the playground because the other moms are all older (And sport wedding rings) and no one talks to her.
These young women that may have made a mistake, yes, but they made the brave choice to keep their baby. These young girls who have hopes and dreams, not only for themselves, but for their children as well. These girls that could have easily ended their baby’s life, but they chose to keep it instead. These young girls that get ridiculed and shamed by almost every one around them.
It makes me angry. It hurts my heart for these young women. They are all around us, and yet we ignore them. We pretend like we are better than they are, when really, our mistakes are just less apparent. They don’t need to be told that they did something wrong. They don’t need you to remind them of their mistakes and they most definitely do not need to be shunned under the guise of “not supporting the sin”.
I do not support S*x outside of marriage. But I wholeheartedly support the teen mom/unwed mother.
I never thought about this issue much until I was pregnant with my son. I was not an unwed mom, hubby and I had been married for over a year before I got pregnant, but I still looked the part and I still endured cruel whispers and stares from strangers everywhere I went. I left more than one store in tears as I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong for welcoming a child into the world.
I admit, before I walked a few miles in the shoes of an unwed mom, I did silently judge them. I did look down on them a bit without even sparing the topic 5 minutes of thought. but now? I have a HUGE amount of respect for unwed moms. For these girls that embrace this difficult road, who choose to accept society’s cruelty for the sake of their children. These girls are brave, they are resilient and they need our love and support.
I’ve recently become friends (online and off!) with some gals who were/are unwed moms. Let me tell you, these women aren’t failures. They are going places! Their lives are not ruined and they are not ruining the lives of their children. They have faced hardship, some still face it but they are thriving. They inspire me everyday. These women are beautiful examples of selfless love.
They are amazing women, who deserve our respect, our support, acceptance and love.
So next time you see a young mama, instead of making a “sly” glance at her left hand and then deciding for yourself what kind of a woman she is, why don’t you look her straight in the eye and smile. Why don’t you let her know she’s doing a great job, or comment what a sweet baby she has or tell her how much joy she has to look forward to.
Small actions such as these can do much to uplift or tear down another person. I know because I’ve felt the shame as people glanced at my bare left hand (when it was too swollen to wear my ring) and walked the other way or started whispering to their friends. Such small gestures, but they speak volumes. Yes, I’m sure sometimes I misread the situation, maybe people are just curious about my martial status and that’s why they look, but WHY? What does it matter? *hint* It doesn’t.
Yes, I am for abstinence before marriage.
but more than that, I am for the unwed mothers.
*the links in this post are for 3 blogs written by some amazing women who were/are unwed mothers. These gals are incredible mamas, with beautiful families and they run some of my favorite blogs!!! They each inspire me so much, I am proud to call them my friends.
beck says
Thanks for the reminder. Last year while my husband was deployed a single mom and her daughter lived with me. It opened my eyes and heart to the struggles single mom’s face. I got so frustrated with church members and their judgemental questions and their attitudes. I wanted to scream at them, “if you are really pro-life, where are you? Why are you not helping these woman, not just in giving them baby clothes but in opening your homes and families as they seek to raise their children.” It was encouraging to see her church step up and help support her both financially, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for writing on this hard issue.
Paula says
That is so awesome that you and your church were able to stand with her!!! It has been amazing to me how “pro-life” doesn’t always translate to “pro un-wed mother” but it should <3 thanks for standing strong and standing with your friend!
Raquel Rose Kato says
so perfectly said!! A life resulting from an unplanned pregnancy is not a mistake… the premarital sex is. And just because one preceded the other does not mean they are related. When a woman has chosen life, she should be supported and loved….that is the true pro-life thing to do.
Paula says
Well Said Raquel, life is not the mistake! I loved your post about this last week!!!
Lisa says
Hi Paula,
This is so on point. I am expecting now and although I can still fit my wedding band, I feel the stares before it becomes visible and then sudden shift in approval. I can only imagine how hard it is to “walk in someone else’s shoes”.
Paula says
I remember those days, when I took off my ring because of swelling all too well <3
I am glad I experienced it though because it taught me a lot about the "shoes" of an unwed mama!
Congrats on your little one!!!
Elisha says
Beautiful post! I also have such a heart for unwed moms and teen moms. No matter how it came about that child is a human and has a life.
Sylvia says
I’m with you! Everyone deserves love and respect regardless of race, religion, lifestyle, and yes, (gasp!!!) even sexual preference and gender identity!!!
I was an unwed mom 37 years ago! Now after adding a husband and 8 more children I’m guessing that people still wonder because my husband and I do not wear wedding rings! Many times when my 17 yr old daughter (who looks about 14) takes the baby she watches to the park is constantly mistaken to be her mother! It is even more shocking because (Gasp again!!!) the baby is a different race!!
Paula says
:) it’s funny because I remember babysitting as a teen and people would assume the little girl was my daughter, but now, people assume my son is my brother!!! so funny! people always guess wrong ;)
Rachael DeBruin says
I was a single mother for four years before I met and married my hubby. It is not an easy road.
Although I will readily admit that my children were a result of my poor choices, I now firmly believe that as a christian that God works EVERYTHING for His good purposes.
I blog a lot about this topic throughout my posts…I feel we should not be silent about our struggles, and triumphs…as a testimony to HIS grace and goodness!
Paula says
I am so glad that you blog about it and speak out! :) Your voice needs to be heard, I agree the situation may not be “ideal” (though so many aren’t in this life!) but God does work it all for His glory, and that’s a beautiful thing to be a part of !!!
Ginger Kay says
It’s a hard line to walk. We want to both discourage teens from becoming pregnant and support those who do. It’s difficult to do the latter without encouraging the former, so I think many people do not try.
I also think attitudes are very localized. When I was pregnant with my first child, I lived in the city with the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation. Pregnant at 22, I looked like an old mom in comparison, and the pairs of pregnant teens pushing strollers through the parks and malls were unbothered by whispers or stares.
(I came from the link up at Teaching What Is Good.)
Paula says
Thanks for Sharing Ginger!!! I am sure it is localized to an extent, but most teen/young unwed moms I know have expressed experiencing what I describe in the post.
It can be a hard line, but in my opinion supporting an unwed mom is never the same thing as encouraging others to become teen moms. The majority of the time it’s unexpected, so encouraging/discouraging has nothing to do with it. Sure, there are some who TRY to get pregnant for attention, but they are the minority and would do it regardless of how society treats unwed moms, there’s a bigger issue there with those young ones.
My point is, support and love is something that should be given, without fear and without trying to ‘teach some one a lesson’. these girls will be learning hard lessons, regardless of what we do and say so the best thing we can do is love them through it!
thanks for dropping by today! great to hear from another young mom! (i had my son at 20 and my daughter at 22)
Randomly Fascinated says
I have never thought of it in that way, but I think that you are right, being (very) pro-life I must be pro unwed mother. I have never been one to send judgmental glances because I am too busy making faces at the baby and asking the mom how old they (the baby, not the mom) are and saying how cute they are. I don’t think that I have ever thought to glance at the mom’s hand to see if she is married and most of the time I don’t even glance at the mom until I am done grinning at the baby (I absolutely love babies). But I have thought judgmental thoughts about women I know who have children outside of marriage or are living with a man outside of marriage. God has been working with me a lot about my judgments and I have been making my way past them. Thank you for making me aware of one more thing that I simply cannot (do not have the right to) judge about. I am a work in progress, but I am working!
Paula says
I’m glad you enjoyed this!!! It wasn’t something I really thought about either until I “experienced it” in a way. . . That’s awesome that you smile and play with the babies, even that can mean a lot!! I’ve had people glare at my child after seeing how young I am (I’m only 23!) and that’s just heartbreaking! kudos for you for doing that much AND for working to improve your outlook on unwed moms in general! that’s very admirable!
Laura Rath says
Hi Paula,
This is my first visit to your blog (came over from WholeHearted Home) and I love your post. I really don’t have any experience as an unwed mom, or even knowing any, but I remember when I was very pregnant with my daughter and couldn’t wear my wedding ring (water retention…ugh). I don’t remember if I got any odd looks in stores, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how it must look–huge and no ring–and it made me paranoid.
I agree with you that unwed moms don’t need to be reminded of mistakes. In fact, isn’t that true for all of us? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, reminding ourselves of past mistakes, and not letting ourselves move past them.
So glad I came to visit!
God bless,
Laura
Laura says
This is good advice, Paula, for any time we feel the need to judge. Walking in the shoes of another can lend tremendous compassion. You are so right that it does take courage to choose to give their baby life. Linking hands with you to encourage these mothers today.
Lori says
If we are honest with ourselves, we know that but for the grace of God, we could be walking in that young mother’s shoes. Perhaps premarital sex wasn’t our particular sin, but we’ve got plenty of our own to fill the blanks with. And we never know all the details. There’s usually a whole lot more to the story than we know. Praise God for every brave single mother who chooses not to abort her baby. May God be real to them!
Rachel R. says
Well said.
Chris Carter says
Wow. I really never thought through how an unwed mother would experience such judgement… That makes my heart heavy. Thank you for enlightening me to this! No woman should be ashamed of choosing life. I am with you on that one!
Maureen@ScoopsofJoy says
This is such a powerful post! Coming from Asian country, unwed pregnant mothers here are still looking down on and it’s really sad. Your post is very inspiring!
Chaunie says
Thanks for posting this, Paula! Even though I’ve been the unwed mom, I still struggle with walking that “fine line” between not advocating for premarital sex while honestly sharing the joy of young, unexpected motherhood. Ben and I struggled, and obviously failed, not to have sex before we were married, and when I became pregnant as a result, it felt like it tainted everything–myself as a mother, my relationship with God, my future marriage.
It’s so, so hard, but I love how one of your readers commented that it’s just one of many sins–ours just happened to be a little more visible than others. :)
Amy @mommetime says
I’m not shocked, but distrurbed by the emotion behind the judgement –as if dirty stares, harsh words and contempt is going to bring about understanding and change… betterment. I commend you for talking about this and bringing about awareness.
A Little R & R says
This is a great article.
We sometimes forget that God creates life. And only God can create life. He has a purpose for that baby that likely wasn’t planned. I think people are often caught in the quandary of not wanting to be permissive…and often err on the side of judgement. Which is sad – because the unwed mother suddenly feels that the ONE person she should be able to turn to is pointing a finger…and her precious baby is not wanted. Jesus is the perfect balance of love and grace, holiness and mercy. He held the line of sin and called it for what it was – and yet, he still reached a hand out to the sinner. those sly glances at the left ring finger, the whispers and the failure to acknowledge a child conceived out of wedlock only provide materials for the unwed mother to build a fortress around herself to protect herself from the church. When we could be building bridges and providing a safe place for her to experience the forgiveness, love, mercy and redemption of Jesus Christ, we shut all available doors and hand her a padlock!
Kate @ Teaching What is Good says
Paula, this is an excellent post! Loving and honoring life should be our goal. Thank you for sharing this with me this week.
A Mama's Story says
Good evening! I just wanted to thank you for linking up at A Mama’s Story and to let you know that this post was among the top 3 most visited last week, so will be featured tomorrow, pinned to Pinterest, and shared on FB and Twitter on Tuesday.
Blessings!
Kayleigh says
Thank you for writing this. I was once that nineteen year old. Im now married with 4 children and feel so blessed. But still have some of that shame and see it on other peoples faces when they ask how long I’ve been married(4 years), then how old are my kids (5,4,2,8months) then I get that Oh really and there comes the shame. So thank you. Im a huge advocate for teen/unwed moms and I believe we should be supporting them instead of shaming them.
Stefanie says
LOL! I’m married and currently heavily pregnant, but we never bothered with rings. We were so broke when we got married, we thought them to be a waste of money. We didn’t want to forgo paying off debts just to live up to some societal expectation to spend money on something purely symbolic.
I like how you seriously support the sinner, not the sin. And very honest of you to admit that you, too, used to judge. So did I, when I was a teen. Not so much now.
Aggie says
My daughter by age 22, had 4 children 4 and. under. Now her 17 yr old has a 5 month old daughter. My daughter never married the fatherof all 4 of her children. The father has a total of 7 or 8 children with various women . His own cousin has 11 children with a number of women. I have seething anger towards the irresponsible men. Our society seems to condone men ‘s prowess as as ” players”. Where are the comments and judgements for the men who father all these children? We need to pray and teach everyone that God’s way is the best for our families and our nation.
Jessica says
What an important post, I had no idea this controversy was going on. I had my oldest daughter when I was just 17 and always felt embarrassed of my situation. It wasn’t until years later when I was married and had more children that I finally felt confident being a young mom. Thank you for your support.
Casey Duer says
Well I think your article is lovely, I am an atheist and dont believe the things directly about god you shared but I do believe in most morals. I was that mom being 18 and still in school when I had my lovely daughter, it was hard to learn the responsibility so fast after being a kid for so long especially with the judgements of anyone who would ask about it. I was lucky to have the family and community support need ed to succeed but to my self and sometimes to my family, even with proof of having such a wonderful little girl, it felt like a constant sorce of shame. Now at 24 and married with more kids its not even an issue, sometimes I think back on how easily I could have made it better, but lifes in the experiences and I wouldnt have so much wonder in my life if I hadn’t had that hardship. The next step in my life I think I want to take is being able to help teen moms with getting their footing so they succeed like I did, but that’s a work in progress. Thanks.