If you’ve been invited to any sort of function in which you will be supplying gifts for children, (be this church events, birthday parties or just doting on your nieces and nephews) here are a few things to buy only if you’d like for the child’s mother, and the mothers of the world, to really hate you.
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Baby Alive – First of all, creepy. Second (through 50th…) if I needed another thing that cried and peed itself I would have had another kid. Honestly, I don’t need another one. Neither do my kids, cause guess who ends up helping with those pretend icky diapers? This pretend grandma that’s who. Nuh-uh. Regular dolls with regular toy diapers that never get soiled will be all my poor, deprived little children will have.
Squeaky shoes – I’m just gonna say a big fat NOPE on this one. Never. No way. I know what you might be thinking “but these are useful, always know where your toddler is when he’s wearing these!!!”. Let me assure you, I always know where my toddler is. Not because of any superior parenting skills, but just because he is so, incredibly loud. There is not a single waking moment that he’s not yelling about something, destroying something or generally making a huge racket. His most basic attempt at being quiet bruises eardrums. The last thing I need in my life is something that squeaks every time the child moves. Because he never. stops. moving.
Non-washable Markers – Really, any art product that isn’t washable is getting the immediate stink eye. Crayons, markers, paints, stamps…all of those lovely things come in washable version. If you’d like to purchase my child something that will spark her inner creativity, avoid all the things that don’t say *Washable*. The thing about her creativity is that she likes to express her creativity all over the walls, tables, decorations and even our floors. Washable isn’t optional, it’s how mother survive.
Drum set– oh, isn’t this the cutest thing? It’s a CHILD SIZE DRUM SET. Listen to me, if this ever enters into your mind as a good gift idea for some one else’s kid, just don’t, okay? My father in law has it in his mind that my son is abnormally skilled in the ways of rhythm. He frequently brings up the idea that he could purchase a drum set for my four year old. My response is always and shall ever be “by all means buy the boy a drum set, it would look fabulous in YOUR living room.” That’s the kind of gift I will never bring home. Sorry kid, it’s not happening, at least not while you are FOUR.
Stuffed Animals That Sing – Anything that sings, actually. It’s not that I’m anti-musical education. It’s that I don’t like hearing the barney (or dora, or caillou…) theme song every minute of the day. Also, throw one of these in bed with the little one because they just LOVE their new barney doll? I guarantee you the kid will roll over on it in the middle of the night and the thing will start singing and wake them up. You wake my kid up, we’re not friends anymore. Period.
Tickle me, Elmo– Apparently now it’s LOL Elmo??? I don’t really care what you call it, just…don’t.
Candy – Of any shape and size. Don’t ever give my children candy without asking me first. Never ask me when they are standing right there. Simple rules people, simple rules. (I’m looking at you bank teller…)
What is the craziest thing some one has ever given your child?