A few months ago, I got a tattoo. Kind of a big one.
Most people didn’t know it was coming. I went into the tattoo parlor planning a small wrist tattoo of a deer and went home three hours later with most of my left forearm covered in blue.
A lot of people were surprised, and asked me why I did it.
This is a symbol of strength. Of things I didn’t do.
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Yes, it’s a Harry Potter tattoo, and though I love that series, it’s not my semi-obsession with Potter that lead me to permanently put his patronus on my forearm. My reasons are deeper than my love for a good mythical fiction story.
For 10 years now I’ve battled depression.
Not the “oh the store is out of chocolate ice cream, I’m soooo depressed” kind.
Not the PMS sort that is manageable and predictable.
I mean an all out war with a darkness that I cannot escape and some days don’t want to. There have been seasons where I can barely get out of bed.
There have been days and weeks when the cold and the smog engulfs me and few things enter my mind that give me any desire to live.
There have been so many nights and countless days that harming myself has seemed the only choice. Wondering if that simple harmful act might pierce through the suffocating darkness and bring even the slightest glimmer of light to my days again.
There have been times when I’ve plotted, when I’ve held the knife to my skin and wondered how far I could take it.
And though these seasons are coming and going, they still rise up, without warning, and overpower me. This has been my struggle for a decade.
In these 10 years I’ve experience pain like I never imagined possible and joys that I could never have believed in the midst of the seasons of night.
There have been many ups and downs but I have never been free.
Motherhood has brought so many wonderful things to my life. My children are wonderful and it makes my heart happy to see them grow and develop their own personalities. And yet, mothering through depression is harder than I ever could’ve imagined.
On dark days when I would succumb to the call of my bed and forget myself for a few hours, I must still rise early to care of them, still run to my daughters room if she cries in the night. Still wipe bottoms, change diapers and deal with each toddler tantrum in the most calm and compassionate way I can muster through my own tears and pain.
Being mommy while fighting for happiness is overwhelming. Wiping noses, kissing booboos and being screamed at for giving the wrong color cup or not allowing a second cookie, these things do nothing to lessen the blows that depression would drive at me each and every day.
There have been so many days when the faith that I grew up with seemed so far away. Doubts, anger, fear, all of it eclipsing what I thought I once knew about God.
Unable to read the Bible for a year, and yet wanting the peace that could only be found in God.
Struggling and suffocating. Not for the first time and probably not for the last.
I saw the Harry Potter books on a shelf at my friend’s house. I was never allowed to read them as a child, so I was intrigued to see them there. I decided I would try them, Hoping that if anything they would serve as a fanciful way to escape the dark world I was living in, if only for a few hours.
So far from my faith. Very much in the dark, I was swept away into a magical world of friendship and war.
Rowling wrote these books while fighting depression herself, so it’s not surprising I saw many parallels to my own life and struggle written in the pages.
And in the days so many years ago as I questioned my faith, questioned God and everything I’d ever known, I found hope in the pages of those books. And in the seventh story, I saw a picture of my Savior there, where I never thought I’d see one. I saw hope through so many tears as He pulled me and I began to make my way back to God.
I wish so desperately that my story could end there. That with that returning to faith would also come a scattering of the darkness. That when I saw light once again, if only for a moment, that the darkness never returned.
That would be a beautiful story, but it is not mine to tell or mine to live.
For in my joy there is still pain. Darkness still surrounds, still overwhelms and frequently I wonder if there is light left at all.
In those dark days my husband reminds me to think of happiness. To find one thing that brings me joy and yet, oftentimes I cannot. My children who light up my days are also a source of difficulty and fear. Fear that I might somehow pass along my own darkness to them, even as their days are currently so full of light and laughter. Fear that I can never be the mom that I want to be, for even as I am shrouded in pain and sorrow, I so desperately want to be the mother that I wished I had as a child.
It seems that for every current joy there is a matching fear or sadness. Each memory is somehow tainted in a way that might drive me back to that knife. And so I sit alone in the dark wondering where I might find joy to lift me through my years of sadness.
And then I remember that story. And those days so long ago when I read the words about a wizard named Harry. And how they unexpectedly, yet gloriously led me back to God. In that I do find my one single happy thought in the midst of one thousand sad ones. When there are so many sad things and tainted, not quite happy thoughts, and I find the one happy thing that matters. Being chosen and pulled back by God. Through the story of a young wizard.
And so I tattooed his patronus on my arm. The symbol of the stag that wards of Harry’s dementors. His would-be tormentors that suck all the happiness out of a person. They make him feel cold and empty and like he’d never be happy again. Feelings that have become one with me in the past ten years, and yet, the patronus fights for him. Just as I am trusting God to do for me.
Because I’m done fighting depression. Not in a “knife to my skin” type of done. But in such a way that I’m tired of worrying about when it may arise again. I can no longer plan my days around the dark. I will go forward. Be it light or be it dark, I will continue on. And trust to God to get me through. To be my light in the middle of the seasons that are still little but darkness.
I look at my arm and I see strength. I’m reminded of each time the knife did not pierce my skin and I was able to hold on to the light when I thought I could not. I see that hope and hold on just a moment longer.
So when you see the patronus on my arm, know that while I am a fan of Harry Potter, it goes so much deeper than that. it’s a symbol of faith, of strength, and of hope, even when my eyes can see nothing but darkness.
I know it is strange to speak of harry potter and faith in God in the same breath, but they are connected for me.
My patronus as a symbol of faith. As a reminder that although I can never vanquish depression on my own, I am not alone, and never had been.
Through seasons of doubt, through times of abuse and trauma and even in those fleeting moments of joy, I have never been alone, and never will be. And on those darkest days… it is enough.
Lisa says
Living through depression is so hard. I’ve struggled for longer than you have, but I know exactly how you feel. Especially through motherhood. Thanks for sharing your story.
Rachel @ A Mother Far from Home says
What strength and perseverance you have, Paula. And I agree God can be found anywhere, even in darkness or stories of wizards. Praying for you, friend.
Mary Catherine says
Miss Paula, I just want to hug you! Parenting through depression is so hard, and I really connect with God pulling you back in an unexpected way. Thanks for sharing your story, and for putting into words truths that others deal with but struggle to share.
AJ Collins says
Lovely. I love the Harry Potter series and also see the comnection to God and a way to fight depression. I love your patronus. Perfect!! I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression on and off through my life. A few years ago something happened and since then the darkness has stayed away. Sorry you have to fight for your joy. Just keep swimmin’ , one day at a time. :-)
Christina Cook Lee says
I admire you so much for having the courage to express your feelings so honestly. I remember every birthday of my childhood–when I was about to blow out the candles on my cake–always wishing for one thing, to be happy. I remember every time I saw the first star in the night sky, that my wish was to be happy. I have struggled with depression all of my life. The hope I can give you, is that as I have aged, at least I have come to know that it comes and goes. Many days are dark–but they are not all dark. I have learned to live for others and when the fight is especially hard, I just try to find something to do for someone else. You are a great encourager and I’m sure you cope in the same way I do. Keep pressing on. You have so much to live for. The cry of your heart is at an epidemic rate in the world today. We all need the voice of someone like you who gives us an honest word on a day when we need it. Endless Blessings, Christina Cook Lee
Horace Williams Jr says
Wow! What an amazing post Paula! I had no idea that the “tattoo” post was going there. I am blessed and inspired by your honest testimony! Thank you for sharing the reality of your pain and your faith! After my stroke, every doctor I saw asked if I “needed something” for the depression. I always refused and said I knew this had happened for a reason. God was working in my life. I did not understand the pains and fear at the time. There were many “dark” nights but I now believe that god wants to use me for his will so that He is glorified. Here is a verse that was quoted to me in the hospital after the stroke and I keep it in my memory bank always. I’m sure you know it
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, plans to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
You seem like you have a lot to offer Paula and God is using you to help others and raise a family. I pray you will continue to remember God works in mysterious ways and He is with you always!
Thanks again for sharing
Bonnie says
I have read your blog for a while but I don’t know if I’ve ever commented. I had to comment on this post though. I love your tattoo. Ok at first I was unsure why you chose a huge blue stag. But when I read your post……that is amazing. Perfect, wonderful reason to get a tattoo, and it’s a perfect wonderful tattoo for you. Thank you for being bold and courageous in sharing your story. It can be hard to share with people, but just know that your story has helped many. You are a strong woman. I am praying for you!!
I have struggled with depression as well. I blogged about it some at the beginning of the year. I have contemplated getting a tattoo, and I know exactly what I would get. It would speak to my depression, my story, my life…..it would speak to the truth that I desperately need to cling to. I would get “redeemed” written on my wrist. Depression is a hard road to walk, but I am so glad that you have this permanent, bold reminder of the truth.
Pat says
I am glad that you are still strong and there for your family. They love and need you even in the worst of depression, even if you can’t even get out of bed, even if the pain is excruciating. I too battled depression with medicine, prayer, sheer determination, and always telling myself that it will pass, and that my sensible brain is the one to listen to and not the depression brain. Be kind, loving, and patient with yourself.
J. S. Chancellor says
Reading this post felt like looking into a mirror. Except, it’s my own novel that has inspired the tattoo that I will be getting in the very same spot as yours. I will get harassed. Questioned. But every time I look down and see that little bit of Nightshade covering my forearm, it will remind me of who I am beyond a wife and mother, it will nudge to the fore just how deeply healing it has been to embrace myself as an author, but mostly it will help me to focus on the God who created both me and the fantasy worlds I write about.
Your post hit home. Harder in some ways than I would like to admit. I was shocked at how quickly the darkness showed up while I was pregnant with my first.
Thank you. You’ve just given me the strength I needed to finally listen to my heart. Bless you. And your beautiful blue stag!
Alyssa @ Arts and Crackers says
That is a wonderful symbol! I too, struggle with this all the time. Partly, it’s from my chronic health problems (we are currently trying to get diagnosed) and partly from growing up thinking I’m somehow not good enough. No, I’m not, but Jesus my Savior is good enough. I don’t have to try to be something I’m not. I don’t believe it’s impossible for Christians to struggle with depression, but it definitely is something people act is the case, so it’s definitely a challenge to keep your faith strong. I too have had random things bring me remembrance and comfort where least expected. God can use anything to bring you back to Himself and to encourage you when you need it most!
One thing I struggle with is my marriage. No, not like we don’t love each other or that divorce is even an option or anything, and I definitely don’t plan to cheat, but I always have this lulling “What if I get blindsided and somehow I do something dumb to ruin my marriage?” Now, those who know me know I hardly talk to anyone, so it’s virtually impossible, but I just always feel I’m going to mess it up somehow. So my husband and I got ring tattoos. I am ALL about symbolism, so we got so much more than just a ring.
I designed it myself–a musical staff band for each of us. My husband has bass clef, and I has treble. The notes are “D” for our last name, and are quarter notes connected together, because we are connected as one. There is a crescendo that reminds us that our love for God and each other should grow, and a fermata to symbolize that our love song will hold out until the Director, God, calls our song to an end. It is a great reminder for both of us to look at, especially on the days we struggle, and my husband has even used it as a talking point with those who claimed “everyone divorces.” I love it!
Thank you for writing this, Paula, and stay strong in your fight!