Sometimes I lay awake at night, just thinking. I don’t mean to, it just happens. I lay there cuddled up snug and imagine that day, 7 or so months from now, when I get to hold my precious baby for the first time. I imagine the perfect little newborn feet and the sweet newborn smell, I think of the pain of bringing her into this world, and the joy that will overwhelm my heart as I see him for the first time. I imagine holding her, cradling her and crying as I do. I try to picture how our lives will change and how my sweet one year old will take to the changes. How much he will love and care for his baby brother or sister and enjoy having a play mate.
I worry some too. Will he mind not getting all my attention? will he feel left out? am I a good enough mommy to handle two and make them both feel loved limitlessly.
So many questions. So many worries. So much excitement and anticiapation of that beautiful day. The day we meet our beautiful new baby.
I know, as I go to sleep tonight, I will be caught, for awhile, as I am almost every night – Thinking. Imagining. Hoping. Trying desperately not to worry. And praying God holds and protects my sweet babies.
When I got married I didn’t think my heart could contain any more love than what I had for my wonderful husband. Then we had our beautiful son and I thought my heart might burst with love and happiness both for my husband and our baby boy. Every day, every hour of every day I love them more. And now, our hearts are growing and overflowing again. With love for each other and the precious one we have yet to see. I love her so much, and I don’t even know her gender. Maybe its a little brother for my son to play with, maybe it’s a little sister for him to protect like a good big brother. Maybe…maybe.
Waiting is hard. Trying to sleep while waiting is harder. Learning to trust God more is the hardest part. Yet, it should be the easiest. I should have nothing to fear. I need help there. Please pray for me as I wait, and learn and grow.
*I’m only about 8 weeks pregnant so we don’t know the gender yet. I will use he/she interchangeably until we know because I don’t like calling my baby “it” and saying s/he every time gets tedious…
Fawn says
Paula, you have such a big and loving heart. There’s nothing to worry about. You’re going to be as great to this baby as you have been to your first. Don’t worry about a thing :).