The other day I watched an episode of the show “what not to wear”. This particular episode was a recap of 5 moms that had previously been on the show, combined into one episode. It was very…interesting. I won’t make comments on the materialism or the prices of the clothes they expect people to be purchasing in order to look nice (oh wait, I just kinda did…oops), the thing that struck me the most was something else.
These moms were looked down on by themselves, and others for being moms. Each of them shared how they felt they had lost themselves, and didn’t know who they were anymore aside from the title of wife or mama. Though it saddens me, I think that this thought process is pretty common.
I’ve heard a lot of talk about women losing themselves when they become a mother, and I get it. Once you become a mother, alone time is virtually un-heard-of and every decision has to be made while thinking of what’s best for the kids. Life changes drastically the moment you become a parent.
While it has been incredibly hard, looking back over the last almost three years that I’ve been a mama, I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself. In fact, I think the opposite is true for me, I’ve found myself as I learn to be the best mama that I can be.
I’ve learned that I’m more patient than I thought, and able to love more deeply than I ever imagined was possible. I’ve learned that I’m not the perfect mama that I hoped I’d be, but that I’m okay with that. Motherhood is slowly shaping me into the woman that I want to be be.
Yes, it has shown me some ugly parts of myself as well. I’ve found that it’s all too easy to take out my frustration on my kids when things aren’t going smooth, and that I sometimes feel like I’m going to cry scream if I have to endure one more day stuffed inside a house, alone with two babies. I’ve learned that I still need to work on patience, contentment and thankfulness and I’ve discovered that in many ways my kids have a better handle on life than I do.
All these things, the good and the bad, they are part of me. Who I am, and who I’m becoming. I am a mother, but I still have dreams and goals both as an individual and as mama/housewife.
I have dreams in my heart that are impossible to accomplish in this stage of motherhood. But I’ve realized that I don’t have to achieve all of my dreams today. They are still a part of me, even if that part has not been brought to the surface as of yet. They are there, waiting, ready to be achieved when the time is right.
Motherhood has also created a drive within me to reach for my dreams earlier than ever before. I’ve become an author in this season and reached my goal of being a work-at-home mom. I’m following my passions as “mom” and as “me”. Finding that they are not mutually exclusive. My kids inspire me to do more, and push myself harder than I ever would have if I was on my own. They inspire me to be more, to do more and to love more.
This is me, the imperfections, the joys, and the dreams. The lessons I’m learning, the exhausting journey that is life as a mama.
Motherhood didn’t lose me, it found me. And I will be forever grateful.
How has motherhood changed you? Has it been a positive change? If not, is there something you can do to make it a positive change?
Looking for more? Here’s why I never say my kids are my “whole world”.
rachel says
this is a really interesting perspective, beautifully written.
i will admit, in the almost nine months that i have been a mom, i have had a thousand moments of beautiful and wonderful motherhood. however, i have also had my fair share of moments where i feel like the pre-motherhood me has been completely dissolved. and i miss her, that put together woman that wore makeup and showered on a far more regular basis.
i do think i have lost myself, in a way. a new me has come to the surface. my dreams have had to be buried, there has much much grieving in my heart as i give up old plans and ideals. but NEW things are coming to the surface, a new me was born the day my daughter entered the world.
and there is nothing wrong with that at all. :)
Paula says
I see what you mean Rachel, and I would have probably said the same thing in my first year of motherhood. The first year (in my opinion) is in many ways the hardest. The baby is the most needy and the mama is so new and fresh. It is a full year of adjusting and finding out who you are now, and that adjusting continues, but gets easier ;) (and one day you will have more time to shower…or some I’m told! lol)
I think that the grieving of the old self is normal, but the beauty comes when you are able to truly rejoice in who you are becoming.
thanks for sharing your perspective :)
rachel says
I’m pretty sure that the newness accounts for a lot of what I’m feeling. But I’m honestly okay with it…it’s taken a while though. It’s only been nine months, not even. I’m finding my stride and finding the new me, and learning to actually LIKE her instead of wishing for my old self back.
Paula says
that’s awesome! I don’t think i was quite there yet at 9 months. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job adjusting!!! :)
Gabrielle says
This might be one of your best posts yet, Paula. I completely agree because I feel like I’ve learned who I really am. I had no idea how strong and how weak I was until motherhood. Nothing tests you quite like motherhood.
Paula says
awww thanks Gabrielle :)
very true “nothing tests you quite like motherhood” I had no idea what I was getting myself into ;)
Penny Lane says
Motherhood changed me A LOT. More than I could have ever dreamed. And for the better. This totally hit home with me because I just wrote about it here: http://www.sistersraisingsisters.com/on-days-that-i-doubt-my-struggle-with-choosing-to-be-a-stay-at-home-mom/ You are so absolutely right too, it brings out the ugly parts in you. I find myself apologizing to my kids hundreds of times more than I’ve ever had to apologize to my husband. I’m so glad that His grace is enough!
Paula says
that was such a beautiful story! thanks for sharing it with me today!!!
Kathleen Jaeger says
I, too, have felt like I have found myself through motherhood. Although I did have these thoughts of ‘i’m losing myself’. I shared them with a mom friend who was many years ahead of me..she said, ‘don’t worry about that, you’ll redefine yourself’. I believed her and never looked back. I am a much better person because I became a mom.
Paula says
that’s so awesome that you had some one to encourage you that way!!! :)
Aprille says
I’m a totally different person than I was before I had Ezra, but I’m a much BETTER person!
Faith @ Artistic31Mama says
Paula – I absolutely love reading your posts. Your words always reflect how my heart feels. As I was reading this post I was nodding and thinking “Uh huh, exactly” the whole time. :-) I have actually watched a few episodes of that show before and my thoughts were in agreement with yours. I thought it was sad that in this world so much value is placed on material things and when people find out that I’m “just” a stay at home mom they respond with looks of pity. If I tell them I’m a wedding and portrait photographer (part time just on weekends) somehow that makes my life seem more fulfilling to them. When in reality I’m more satisfied being a mom than I ever will be with JUST being a photographer. :-) I’ve learned more about myself and have felt more complete in my role as a mother than I have any other position in my life. My relationship with Christ has deepened through being a mom because I’m able to better relate to how great His love for us is through experiencing a parent’s love firsthand. Thanks for sharing!
Paula says
Thank you faith, I’m so glad this one was encouraging to you today!!! :)
I agree, my relationship with Christ has also deepened, I’ve learned so much through being a mama!!!
Rachel R. says
I think we forget that personality/strengths/weaknesses can make a huge difference. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I’m not new to this. My oldest is almost 11, and I’ve not worked outside the home since before she was born. And I chose this. But…
I have an extremely driven, goal-oriented personality. I am not nurturing by nature – at. all. I am driven crazy by rote/repetition/routine, and thrive on new projects and the ability to look back on projects with a sense of accomplishment. I do frequently feel like I’ve lost myself, as I’ve left behind every strength, skill, and talent I have, to dive in 100%, all the time, indefinitely, to a task for which I am not well-suited by design, comprised of everything that drives me crazy (I mean the style of the task, not the kids themselves, ‘though that is also occasionally true!) and nothing I’m good at or innately enjoy.
Do more nurturing, routine-oriented types of mamas have their days of doubt/frustration? I’m sure they do. But some of us are actually wired to be more successful in “corporate America” than within the four walls of a house – and when “corporate America” is the only option considered worthy by the culture as a whole, too, that is very, very difficult.
It’s not good reason to wallow, of course. ;) But I think it needs to be acknowledged, or those who struggle cannot be supported and encouraged like they need to be.
Paula says
I agree that certain personality types would struggle with different aspects of motherhood more than others, but I don’t think that means that any one has to “lose themselves” to become a mom. Certain things do change, but that doesn’t mean that your goals and dreams for your entire life have to be forsaken, maybe just postponed for a time.. I’m definitely not a routine oriented person and I HATE being home all the time, but I just try to find ways to make it work for me and my kids and to be happy where I’m at…even though sometimes I wish I was somewhere else ;)
thanks for adding your thoughts to the discussion today Rachel <3
This too shall pass says
Was just writing a post about this and finding some “me” time! Found you thru Mommy Moments.
Paula says
that’s awesome!! Share the link with me on FB when you publish it! I’d love to read it!!!
Liz Clark says
This is a lovely post, thank you. It’s been a journey, but I think I’m coming to a similar realization.
Paula says
It is definitely a journey! ;)
Chaunie says
Awesome Paula! Although I have to admit, I’m not quite there yet…I’m still struggling with finding myself amongst all of these kiddos! ;)
Shell says
I did lose myself a bit as a new mom. I loved being a mom, but it changed everything for me. I went from having a full time job and lots of friends who were co-workers to being at home and barely seeing my friends because they were so busy working. It was a different dynamic at home, for sure.
Now, it’s been a long time since I was a new mom(over 8 years) and I feel more confident than I ever was and I do know who I am and being a mom is a huge part of that identity. But I do think that it’s perfectly normal for new moms to have some difficulty with the transition at first.
Maureen@ScoopsofJoy says
What a beautifully written post.
I had an undiagnosed PPD after I had my son, undiagnosed until my marriage ended. So those early days were foggy, hard and challenging.
Now, I love every minute of it :)
karen says
found you on Thumping Thursdays and LOVE the post, very well written and explained. I agree, while motherhood has changed me, I LOVE who I am now. I strive to be a role model for my son, I want him to see what a confident person looks and acts like and look for that in a partner when he is older.
Stephanie says
Thanks for this – Motherhood, like the Christian journey, is a process of dying to the old and finding joy in the new. There is still a tension there but gradually, the hard parts or the things we struggle with will give way to new skills or traits that we didn’t think possible when we started out. I am 6 years in with 4 children now and the things that were hard with the first aren’t hard with the fourth, but I still struggle with some things over and over. I am happy being a stay at home Mom and know that I am becoming the person God is forming, but it’s still a struggle not to want “more” fulfillment or sense of accomplishment. I think there is a balance of both being lost on bad days and found on good days. Not sure this will ever go away, as emotions are fickle, but I like to think the found is outweighing the lost these days.
Kate says
I see that this post is older but I just wanted to say thank you! There are so many people out there that make motherhood seem like its a bad thing or that you are changed in some awful way! I use to party, I use to be up til whenever and sleep in, I use to do a lot of things I look back on and shake my head at. I’m 22, i didn’t get wasted on my 21st, I don’t go out often unless my girl can come and I am ok with that. While I don’t think motherhood is for everyone and certainly not so young (or younger) I feel like it is the very bet thing to happen to me and yes I had to give up certain things, but thats fine because I have so much fun and love as amomma its overflowing!! My old friends are still in their rrebellious party phase and its ok that I don’t hang out anymore. I kept the friends that understood the new me and made new ones that didn’t know there was a different me. If I had to choose I would pick all the dirty diapers, the long nights, the crying and the runny noses over my old life because with it come the smiles, giggles, cuddles, adventures, ‘mamas & dadas’, the bonding and the joy on their tiny face when they do something. I love it and I hate when people frown at me for not wanting to go anywhere without her or do anything risky. I grew up and I know that time with her while she is little is sooo short! Yes its hard work and you change, but I have become a better me and I love it almost as much as. Love her and being her momma. So thank you for putting this out there to all of those who think you can’t be a mom and be happy or change without a happy ending. Your quote will be my new motto!!!
Vanessa says
I was lost before I became a mother. If I lost that self, I am glad she is gone. : )
Kandice says
This is wonderfully written. I’ve been a mama for 11 months, not everyday is easy but this life, as a mama, is the life I am supposed to have. The me I was before motherhood was not a complete person. I feel sorry for that somewhat materialistic, selfish, self absorbed person I was, she didn’t know my son!
Ellen says
Perfect!!!