Sometimes I read marriage advice on the internet. Most of the time I regret it. I scroll through the list of 10 things a wife needs to do to have a spectacular marriage or the 5 marriage rules for wives and the like and I just get a little cringe-y. Most of the time there are fundamental parts of the articles that I disagree with. I go into it hoping to find some camaraderie, because yep, marriage is hard and I’d love tips on how I can do a better job on my end of it, but I usually walk away scratching my head and realizing that what I’m looking for can rarely be found in an article. (Yes, I see the irony in writing about the shortfalls of marriage blogging… but I digress).
The problem I have with most articles is that they are one sided. I don’t want to be the only one working on my marriage. I feel like that breeds bitterness and hurts. I want to work together as a team with my husband. I want to be with him intentionally walking away from divorce every day (which is why we didn’t remove that word from our vocabularies when we got married).
Men aren’t as likely to search the internet for 10 tips on how to be a better husband tomorrow. That’s just not a thing they do the majority of the time, and honestly I think that’s okay. Because no two marriages look exactly the same. I can think of so many awesome couples that I know of, their love for each other is evident in most everything that they do, but not one of them has a marriage that works exactly the same as the other. It’s about finding what works for you in your relationship.
So many marriage issues come down to just being a decent person. I don’t check with my husband before purchasing something because I’m a wife and that’s some how in the ‘wife handbook of rules’. I do it because it’s the right thing to do when two humans are sharing one bank account, and he offers me the same courtesy and respect. I don’t shout at him or speak poorly of him to my friends because that would just be a pretty jerky thing to do to anyone, much more so my spouse whom I’ve vowed to love and cherish. The thing is, it’s not that hard. Common courtesy isn’t difficult, it’s just intentional. We don’t need rules to tell us that, we just need to be aware of the way we behave and, well maybe think about the ol’ golden rule from time to time. *wink*
Stop fighting. Now in general, I hate confrontation and my husband is extremely laid back, so we don’t struggle with fights as much as the average couple probably does, but this in no way means we don’t disagree. It’s just that we do our best to never let it get to a point of hostility. I love the Max Lucado quote: “Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional”. Going into marriage I did not expect this. In my life most people had made it seem like fighting was a natural, normal and even healthy part of a relationship. As if you really hadn’t “arrived” in marriage until you’ve had some pretty major anger-filled fights. I just don’t think this is true. If it were a friendship, I’d respect a friend enough to not scream at her, to give her the benefit of the doubt and to try to show love even when I am my most irritated. I try to afford this same love and courtesy to my husband.
Going back to the second point, it’s just about being a decent person, talking things out instead of screaming them out. It’s not ground breaking-ly new information, but I feel like if we were getting this right, we wouldn’t be scouring the internet for a list of 10 steps that would magically make things okay.
I do remember receiving one invaluable piece of advice from my aunt about marriage. Her recommendation was to every week, ask your spouse what one thing you could do this week to help them/support them and make them feel loved and appreciated. Maybe he really needs 10 minutes to unwind before I thrust the kids on him when he gets home because this week has been particularly stressful at work. Perhaps, he’d appreciate something else more. No article on the internet is going to tell me the answer to these questions, but he can if I ask him. The follow up to that though is if he tells you, make sure you do it. Make whatever that one thing is for that week a priority in your life.
We don’t always have to look outside to get good marriage advice. Sometimes we just need to look in our own relationship and say “hmm, how could I be doing this better?” and then do that.
What do you think? Have you heard some strange “marriage rules” or do you make your own?
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Krista says
You are so right,, just basic consideration goes so far in a relationship!
Rachel @ My Urban Oven says
Be a decent person- love it! It is so true, you need to be decent to everyone around you, especially your spouse. They can’t be sacrificed in that equation. My husband and I live by truth= trust model. Trust is huge in a marriage, trust on finances, trust on making life decisions, trust on sharing your hopes and fears without judgement, and trust that no matter what happens the other one will be there. The best advice I have found is to marry your best friend.
Julie says
Seriously love this. It is common sense: Be a good person and love your spouse. The rest falls into place from there.
Jen says
Fantastic post! Before we married (20 years ago) we read a bunch of books on the subject. Our take away from all but one, was that if we fought like the authors and their spouses, there is no way we would consider getting married. Every couple is different, and we, like you, are fairly laid back and tend not to argue. I like your common sense way of approaching a marriage as something you both want to succeed at, and treating your spouse with consideration and respect.
Andrea says
This is wonderful!! A simple concept. Love it!!
Nicole says
I love your website. This article is great. I’m not married at present, maybe sometime soon as I have a wonderful partner, we don’t argue at all. We have differences if opinion but we discuss things so communication is very important. I was engaged once and we argued every day til I was upset and then he forgot about it. I decided that if the person who is supposed to live me is happy to make me feel like that, it wasn’t how I wanted to live the rest of my life. Best decision I ever made. Now he is happy in his next marriage and I’m happy doing my own thing, I love the way you write articles. They make a lot of sense. Thanks. :)
Tiffany says
I only wish my husband had turned out to be what I thought/hoped/wished he was, but here I am 23 yrs later living a miserable marriage that is so far below what I had wanted & expected for myself. As far as having to report to him about what I do & what I spend, yes the reality is that these old fashioned & controlling men do still exist butcher this – he Won’t do a joint bank acct with me! He is also the one who decided he was ‘done’ & walked away from me & our 3 kids for 12mths … My constant loyalty & commitment to the dream/ideal has been my undoing, I took Hun back & then went they he’ll a yr later & decided the break-up & his dishonesty & lack of togetherness or empathy & our ‘dis-connect’ was absolutely not what I wanted, so we separated again & I thought it was over for good – but my difficult teen son blamed & hated me for it & my own neediness/loyalty brought me back. As far as the fighting is concerned, if you don’t know the kind of frustration & bitter hurts caused & underhanded tactics used by the quieter ‘innocent’ party like my husband, then you can’t understand how easy it is to resort to yelling to at least get out what needs to be offloaded & vented. :(
Sherri Pryor says
I am soooo glad someone finally realized some of the other marriage advice is one sided. No wonder women still feel like and are treated like second class individuals. It’s like women do all the work on their marriage and men enjoy the benefits.
Ashen says
By the end of it, this became another one sided article for me.
Ty Anderson says
I guess I’m one of the few husbands that is looking on the internet for advice on being a better husband lol. This is a great article it has helped me, thank you for this it says it all.
Sarah says
Paula, I don’t know if you’ll even see this since you wrote this so long ago, but I really enjoyed this blog, and I agree with you haha. I’m 32 and coming up on my 2nd anniversary really soon. I have a wonderful husband and I already follow all of your rules.. it comes naturally for me. The only thing is I wish I could get him to talk to me more like when we were dating. I will ask him how I can make his day better, or what he’d like for dinner, or what he’s thinking about, and his answer is always always always either, “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, or …silence. Sometimes he doesn’t even answer me when I KNOW he heard me. I know he loves me, and we don’t fight. I just can’t get the man to talk to me. This troubles me because we’re only 2 years in, and we don’t even have kids of our own yet. Other than that, my life and marriage is perfect, and I am very happy…. but it’s a small thread of fear that tugs at me sometimes. Thoughts?
Christy says
Quit asking for a while. Sit down and write a list of the things you KNOW he Always likes. When he sees you consistently doing the things he’s already told you he likes it will improve.