My son is now 2 and a half, so we have officially been dealing with tantrums for an entire year now. I’m in no way a tantrum-expert but you could definitely say I’ve endured more than my fair-share of toddler meltdowns in the past year of my life. Yep, they are annoying and sometimes make me crazy but all-in-all, I’m okay with tantrums.
Now before you think I’m crazy, or assume that my son is just abnormally mild mannered, let me explain myself:
Tantrums are intense, my son has been known to sob and scream about something for 15 minutes or more. In the past year, I’ve had sippy cups hurled at my face, I’ve been kicked in the head for the grave “sin” of attempting to change my boy’s diaper, I’ve endured his constant wails during bath time and too many embarrassing moments in grocery stores/restaurants to count. I’m no stranger to toddler moodiness or meltdowns and my son throws fits like it’s a competitive sport.
Part of me just wants to cower in the corner until he’s done, another part wants to yell at him to pull himself together and the biggest part of me has an internal clock constantly counting down the minutes until daddy gets home. Yes, I’m a “normal” mom that feels like she’s going crazy at the onset of “tantrum season” every few months, but I also don’t let them bother me as much as they could.
So what’s the trick? For me, it’s viewing the situation from my son’s perspective. For example: If he’s sobbing uncontrollably at the mere mention of leaving the park, from my point of view, his tears are completely over the top and unreasonable. But, when I pause for a moment and consider the way he sees it, the reality is, going home from the park is one of the most devastating things he’s experienced thus far in his life. He knows nothing of hardships in life. He doesn’t understand his emotions and he certainly possess no knowledge about how to handle them. All he knows is that, in this moment, he’s feeling a disappointment greater than anything he’s ever imagined, and he doesn’t know what to do.
It always helps me to remain calm when I understand that my kid is crying because he doesn’t know how to respond to the situation, not because he’s a brat or attempting to irritate me. His fits are not a personal attack on me and the daily presence of tantrums from my two year old does not mean I’m doing something wrong.
Tantrums are normal, they are part of the learning process as the toddler discovers how to deal with disappointments, confusions and fears. It’s an exhausting and lengthy stage, but I’m (kind of) okay with that. Life lessons are never easily learned and finding healthy ways to deal with negative emotions, is something most adults are still struggling with. So, when you think about it, we’re a bit too hard on toddlers and their tantrums.
I’m no fan of tantrums, we still deal with them in the way that we’ve found that works best for our family, but I’m becoming more patient through them, as I realize that the presence of tantrums does not mean that my kid is a brat, it just means that he’s still learning. And I’m definitely okay with learning.
How do you keep your cool when your toddler is throwing a tantrum?
Do you need a reset button on today?
After a long day of tantrums, do you feel like you need a reset? I totally know the feeling, it’s common for families in the thick of the toddler tantrum stage! That is why I am SO EXCITED to be sharing the Family Reset Challenge from one of my partners!!!
This challenge is FULL of positive and fun resources and activities that will help you reconnect as a family and go back to laughing and enjoying each other…yes, even after a tantrum filled day with the toddler! I love it so much, and it’s my joy to offer the Family Reset Challenge to you for free! (My friend who is hosting the challenge does have a number of paid resources for moms, which I will earn a commission on if you choose to make a purchase at a later time.).
Are you ready to reconnect? Sign up for the Family Reset Challenge today!!!
Looking for more tantrum tips? Click the image below to learn the one simple trick that has helped us prevent a LOT of tantrums around our house.
Melinda says
What a great perspective! Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t had to deal with tantrums yet; my daughter is 8 months old. Most of her “tantrums” are quickly resolved by me nursing her. But as she gets older, I hope I am reminded of what you have shared here.
Beth says
I think you make some really good points, Paula. I don’t know that I had that kind of wise insight when I was a young mom, so you’re ahead of the game–at least ahead of my game! :) And I totally agree that adults sometimes have difficulty controlling feelings, so why shouldn’t little two year olds? I hope that your patience proves to be a calming factor for your son in the days and months to come. Great thoughts!
Lisa says
Such sound advice for a young mother. This grandma thinks you’re showing a lot of wisdom!
Alison at NOVA Frugal Family says
I try to remember that his tantrums are less annoying then my old bosses :) Staying at a little one has many more happy times even if there are those times that we are waiting for Daddy to get home to save our sanity. I will have to remember this post to give me a little more perspective when the screaming actually gets started!! Thanks :)
AnnaC says
I love this!!! So basically:
*kids are people too
*look at it from their perspective before responding
*don’t take their big feelings personally
Yep, sounds like you’re on the right track. ;) Great wisdom!
Bethany says
This is a really great perspective, and it makes total sense. I know I need to have more patience. I am not very yelly when he throws a tantrum, I just get really anxious and take my annoyance out of others later, which is really not okay. Thanks for posting this!
Diane says
I am going to share this with my daughter. My grandson is 2 and he can throw a good one :) Thanks for sharing a great positive perspective :)
Leah says
Thanks for this post. I have found that preventing tantrums is a great way to deal with them! I always give a count down to when things will be ending. If we have to leave the park in 5 minutes I give him a 5 minute warning and set the alarm on my phone so he knows its coming. My son is 4 and he has been throwing fits. I got to the point where every time he throws a fit he immediately goes in time out for 4 minutes. Him knowing that has greatly reduced the number of fits but he also is throwing fits for attention, not because he doesn’t know how to react. Great post!
Liz Clark says
Awesome post! Entering this stage has definitely made me feel a bit out of control. Having the perspective you wrote about seems like it will help me in a lot of cases (coupled with the counting strategy during transitions that you also wrote about). Thank you!
Aprille says
I really love this. I try to look at tantrums the same way and stay calm – I don’t always succeed, but I try. I find that sometimes they just need to throw a little fit to deal with the emotions, then I can reason with him. Yesterday, dinner was a battle, and while I was getting my own food (he was already at the table), he ran off into the bedroom crying – and just sat on the floor for a minute. I left him alone for a moment, then went in.
“What are you doing Ezra?”
Ez: “I just went in mommy’s room to frow a fit.”
Me: “Okay, do you think we can go eat now?”
Ez, inhaling shakily: “yeah…”
I still had to bribe him with orange slices to eat his roast beef, but there were no more big fits. I try not to come down on him for the fit as much as wrong actions.
And I’ve been doing the count to ten thing a lot and it seems to help sometimes.
Stephanie Stevens says
I just love this post. When my oldest (of 5) was a baby I used to get so wigged out about tantrums. I had other moms telling me (in confusion) that I should be able to just give her a pop on her diaper and she should snap out of it. Ha! Not even close! I’m a much more understanding mom now. My youngest is also 2 1/2 and I will say that he doesn’t throw tantrums that often. This is partly because he’s the baby and it constantly entertained and catered to by 4 adoring older siblings. :) But when he does, like you, I try to see it from his perspective and handle it accordingly. Kids should learn eventually to control their emotions, but expecting too much of them as toddlers can be damaging too. I wish I’d understood that as a new mom!
Karla says
This is great! Our tantrums are few and far between, but when they happen, it’s a ‘big’ deal, too. Depending on the tantrum (which mostly occurs because we refuse to nap) I tend to walk away and let her vent it out. Sometimes I need to do the same! I really like the perspective of – it’s the hardest thing your child has ever experienced. It’s true, and I thank you for opening my eyes to that!
Thank you for sharing on Much Ado About Monday!
Karla – mom of two
http://www.huckleberrylove.com
Beth Cranford says
I so agree with the perspective you put on this topic. I love this line “…my kid is crying because he doesn’t know how to respond to the situation, not because he’s a brat or attempting to irritate me.”
Recently I wrote a post that made some similar points.(here if anyone wants to read it:http://bethcranford.com/mom-and-dad-relax-this-parenting-thing-takes-a-while/)
I believe that seeing the world from our child’s perspective goes a long way toward building healthy relationships. Parenting with grace, and acknowledging that they are children who are learning. They are not small adults.
When you help your child understand how to deal with his feelings you’ve nurtured his heart and given him tools for success, instead of just managing his behavior.
Ok, I could go on, but I won’t. Thanks for a great post.
Keiki says
Good perspective. Helping our children through rough times takes thought and patience! Just wrote a post about not being a perfect mommy… It’s encouraging to hear I am not the only mom who has a kid who isn’t perfect and is just a KID! =)
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace says
What a great perspective and a wonderful reminder to me today! We’ve stepped up our tantrums about 10 notches in the last month and it’s really, really hard to not consider myself a failure of a mom because of it. I’ve grown so weary of them, so it’s good to hear from other mommies who are working through them in a way that glorifies God as well (or at least trying to!). Thanks for sharing!
Candice R. says
We’re currently beginning the tantrum stage too, and I definitely understand the feeling like a horrid mom because of them. Glad to know I’m not alone!
Megan says
Love it!! You are a sweet mommy!!! Thanks for linking up to Mommy Moments!
The Mrs
Amanda says
I think I needed to read this post! My son is two and half right now and is typically mild mannered, but every once in a while we have that tantrum. I love the way you see it! Thank you! BTW, I found you through the Bloggy Moms July Hop
Lori says
You know, sometimes I want to throw a tantrum, and it takes half a century of self-control training not to. Sometime my emotions still take over! I did find when my daughters were young, that the less attention I gave them during their tantrums, the shorter they lasted. I’d carry the kicking, screaming one into a room where she couldn’t hurt herself, and close the door. “You can come out when you can be a sweet girl again,” I’d say. With non audience, the tantrums usually spent themselves fairly quickly. Neither of my daughters were especially strong-willed so I know it’s more of a problem in other families.
Becca says
That is so cool that you take HIS perspective! And like you said, the tantrums mean they are still learning, not that they are a brat. True!
LuAnne says
Very wise words! You have a great perspective :)
sparkling74 says
If you can keep your cool long enough, its actually fascinating to step back and watch the tantrum. And the less we feed into them, sometimes, the less of a big deal it turns out to be. But the wailing a throwing certainly get us just as riled up!
Misty@Mimi's House says
Great reminder, and a perspective on tantrums I’ve never heard before. My son just turned 2, and even though he’s the youngest of 3, he is my first real dive into tantrums. He throws them over things the girls would just laugh about. So, I needed this today. Thanks!
Wendy Kelly says
Thank you :) As a mother of 4 boys, I have had my share of tantrums. My second son actually was a record holder, able to sustain tantrums for up to 8 solid hours (really) I grew so much from learning how to raise him, and part of the picture was indeed seeing things from his very sensitive perspective. He’s a huge reason we started to homeschool, actually. And, in the end, we all grew stronger and he is now a very responsible, super caring, high achieving teenager. Have you ever heard of the book “Raising Your Spirited Child”? That book was a lifesaver to me, and it seems to go along quite well with your perspective.
Monica says
I’ve read about development and how those synapses are still forming as they learn to deal with emotions. It’s so important to let little ones adapt at their own rate. What a great encouraging post to help moms. Featuring this on Family Fun Friday!
Monica
http://happyandblessedhome.com
Danie says
Great post, anyway way you can deal with a tantrum without yelling or strangling your child is a win. Also, looking at it from their side is a wonderful idea, it really is devastating when you have to leave the park, haha.
Emily @Sweet Bella Roos says
I love this. I really try to always look at things from my kids perspective, but too often I get caught up with my own agenda of trying to “rush” them through to the next thing. Great reminders. Thanks for sharing at Pin It Thursday!
Jamie @ Love Bakes Good Cakes says
Great perspective :) Thanks for linking up to All My Bloggy Friends – I can’t wait to see what you share this week!
Jelli says
My little girl still isn’t a tantrum thrower, but she does fuss way too much before meals are served. Meal prep is the most stressful part of my day, so I’m heading right on over to read your #1 trick to stop tantrums before they start. Distractions is my tool, thus far, but when Daddy’s away, it’s hard to distract her.
Margo says
It’s interesting you mention that sometimes it’s the worst thing they’ve experienced in their life so far (leaving the park), which is wonderful if that’s the worst they’ve experienced, because I’ve heard my kids say before, “This is the worst day of my life!”, and it seems lame to me, but it IS GOOD to try and see things from their perspective!
Susan Evans says
It definitely helps to see the situation from the point of view of your child. This is also true about the elderly. I knew a woman with dementia, and she was so upset because she kept forgetting things. This caused her to be cranky like a toddler, because her body and mind wouldn’t do what she wanted them to do. I saw this at the same time that I had a toddler and had this epiphany about the fact that small children think with their emotions and can’t verbalize what is happening, and this is why they throw tantrums. Parents must train their children while understanding what is going on in their minds and hearts.
erics says
My son is three and a half he throws crazy tantrums. Yesterday our childcare provider told me he is trying to control me and if I let this continue he will be a horrible husband. She called me later in the evening to tell me one of the other kids threw a tantrum as well and they think she learned it from my son. In conversation she told me her husband called my son a brat. I don’t believe in breaking his spirit for the sake of small battles. It doesn’t matter to me what color shirt he wears as long as he has one on. For example. We won’t be going back to that child care provider. My son is not a brat!! He has an opinion and is a person. Thanks for letting me vent. I see this becoming a blog post!!
Erica
Paula says
oh my goodness! I am so sorry Erica! :( tantrums happen. To every kid. Ever. Don’t feel bad!
You should read this one. Definitely NOT a brat just for throwing a tantrum. <3
https://www.beautythroughimperfection.com/2013/12/10/tantrums-are-inevitable/
Jess says
So far, an easy demeanor and humor seem to work the best (though far from perfectly) in handling my son, who’s approaching 2 1/2. He’s naturally very social, charismatic, chipper, and funny, but now and then he just falls into a funk, usually when he’s tired. One incident in public stands out in my mind: We were at a small grocery store with few people in it, and I took him down the short bathroom hall to play with the water fountain briefly at his request. Then it was time to go on with shopping (before he got water all over the floor, lol). He didn’t like leaving the fountain, and I had to carry him like a wet noodle out of the hall, slipping through my arms; just outside the hall, he deliberately dropped down to sprawl on his back, lip sticking out, sniveling loudly. I looked down at him, lifted a brow, asked with amused curiosity what he was doing, and told him to be careful of his head because the cement floor was a lot harder than the carpet at home. Then I said “Come on, cutie!” and started walking slowly away with the cart as if expecting him to follow, as if nothing had happened (I kept him in peripheral vision and his dad was close to him, having just come out of the bathroom). I didn’t get far before he seemed to suddenly come to his senses, like “What was I doing, again…? It’s no fun being on the floor,” and he got up and toddled after me to see all the fun stuff in the store.
Linda says
Honestly, I just want to throw a trantrum myself sometimes! Teaching self governance is a huge part of parenting. If you can manage that, most other things as they get older will be taken care of with your guidance and moral support. Thanks for the post It was good to read a wise perspective on this. Hang in there Moms. Soon they will be teens. Linda
Peta says
I know exactly where u r coming from.. Im ok with tantrums too..Miss two and a half is a very good speaker so we have discussed and she wants me nearby until she is ready for a cuddle. This works for us, I am happy to be there for her and let her know its OK…having said that I try hardest to see that she is never hungry or tired :)
talita says
thank you so much for this.I’m also going crazy with this tantrums and sometimes i cant help but yell at my son who is 1yr and 8 months, but now i also do understand some of it.
Shannon says
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks as I never thought of it this way. Hopefully it will make it easier to deal and resolve his tantrums now :) I do have a question though if anyone can answer it. When ever I give my son a treat, like a biscuit he then throws a tantrum when they are all gone because he wants more. To the point where he collapses to the floor and just screams. Have you got any advice on possibly resolving this?