We’ve all been there… enjoying time at the park or a playdate at a friend’s house. It’s been a great time for all, but then it’s time to go.
Palms get sweaty and you grit your teeth getting ready to tell the toddler it’s time to leave.
Meltdowns begin and a nice, relaxing afternoon gets all-too easily erased from memory through the tears, screams and sobs of the tiny human who just can’t handle the fact that it’s time to go. We all deal with toddler tantrums at one point or another. Tantrums are inevitable, and they certainly aren’t a mark of bad parenting (in fact, sometimes tantrums can be a sign you are doing things right!)
It’s nice to know we aren’t alone in the stress and worry that comes with battling temper tantrums in toddlers, but tamtrum solutions are worth their weight in gold.
When my son was about 2 years old, and we were in the thick of the tantrum stage of parenting, I discovered this method that stopped his tantrums before they even got going.
We started leaving the park, and even awesome play dates with NO TEARS. Magic.
What’s this tantrum-stopping trick? Counting to 10.
I’m not talking about the “don’t make me count to 3” type of counting, this is something else entirely.
I use this trick anytime I’m about to change something. I’ll use bedtime as an example, but this works for leaving the park or getting ready to ride in the car and other small changes as well. Before I make the change and get him ready for bed, I tell him what was about to happen. I explain that he can continue playing while I count, but when I reach “10” the change would take place and we would begin preparing for bed. 90% of the time, he plays happily while I counted and then quietly comes along when I get to ’10’, avoiding any type of tantrum or outburst.
So many tantrums are caused by our little ones not being prepared for a change that is taking place. They feel out of control and do not know what to do with the uncertainty and disappointment they are feeling. Giving them even just a count to ten, allows them that time to process that a change is taking place in a tangible amount of time. For older children using terms like “in five minutes” works, but for children who have no concept of time, a number of minutes holds no meaning for them and doesn’t serve as much of a warning at all. Counting allows them to hear the words and recognize that they are passing by at a rate with which he is familiar.
This method also allows the parent to remain in control. I have seen similar methods used by moms at the park, things like “slide two more times and then we’re leaving”… The problem I see with this is that sneakier kids will take their time and dawdle as they obey the command and every one ends up being frustrated.
Counting to ten means the adult maintains control of the time limits but the child does not fear like he is being treated unfairly or being surprised by changes coming at him from all directions. “Ten counts” is a time frame even the smallest of toddlers can understand. My son recognized the numbers long before he was able to count to ten himself, and it actually helped to teach him to count at a young age as well! Sometimes he’d ask for extra time so we’d count to 12 or 14 together.
Simple and easy trick that has worked wonders in our home!
What is your best tantrum avoiding trick? Have you ever tried this one?
If you are looking for more information on tantrums, check out this post of toddler tantrum tactics that I complied from more than 15 moms! Or check out this post about why I’m (sort of) okay with tantrums, this reminder has saved my sanity when working through the more difficult stages of toddlerhood with my kids.
Jen says
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~Jen
Jillian @ Hi! It's Jilly says
What a neat idea! I might even try this on my 8 year olds. Ha ha!
Aprille says
WOW! I’m going to have to try this!!
Kassi @ Truly Lovely says
That completely makes sense!!! Thanks for sharing, I’ll be using this in the future I’m sure!
Andrea says
I haven’t tried that one, but will in a few months when my 11-month old starts the tantrum stage. I also have a 5-year old son and when he was starting the tantrums, I found what worked best with him was to simply walk away. He was a do-it-for-attention kind of guy so if I refused to acknowledge the tantrum, he would immediately stop.
Dona says
I worked 27 years in Special Education and what you figured out on your own, we were taught….it’s called ‘Transition Time’ and kids need it! Good for you!! I must remember to tell my Granddaughter this to use on my ‘greats’!!
Bethany says
Awesome! My son really doesn’t throw too many tantrums, but I can see that when he does, it’s also because he isn’t prepared for our change in activities. Thanks for the tip!
Leah says
Great idea. I set a timer on my phone so when it goes off he knows it’s time to do whatever comes next.
jenn says
i do the same.
Petra says
Very good idea – glad it works. I am lucky in that my son (who is now 11) never really threw tantrums BUT if I could see he was getting too tired or bored I would give him some sultanas or a carrot stick and this would keep him happy and chatty. He now has a love for really good food!
Tina says
Great idea! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when it’s a good idea to count and when it’s not. This definitely falls in the good category! Thanks for sharing!
Tina @ Mommynificent
Jessica says
I have never actually counted to 10, but I have discovered that preparing my 3 year old that a change is about to happen or right before we venture out to the grocery store (or anywhere else I want him to behave) all together (mommy, D, and his two younger brothers) things go MUCH smoother! The entire ride to the dentist’s office I reminded him again and again WHY we were going there and WHAT was going to happen. And he has been an angel all three times he’s gone. Kids just need to know what’s expected of them. It works wonders. Thanks for sharing! I may try the counting trick to mix things up!
Carrie from Carrie This Home says
I’ve also noticed trying to prepare my little ones for the upcoming change helps. I love this idea & I’ll have to try it soon! Thanks for linking up to Frugal Crafty Home!
CarrieThisHome.com
Liz Clark says
Definitely going to begin doing this! I think my son is a tad bit too young, but I need to get in the habit so I can be consistent as he grows. Thank you!
hsmominmo says
Great tip! My now grown up daughter always needed that time to be prepared for change in focus or activity. It always through her for a loop when I would swoop her up and move on to the next thing.
I’m passing this on to her, because she’s is now expecting her first baby. This will likely come in handy in the near future :)
Val - Corn, Beans, Pigs & Kids says
Preparing for change is something we all need to remember to do with toddlers. If my two year old does throw a tantrum I squeeze his hand for five seconds. He knows I mean business when I do this.
Lisa says
Thank you so much for the tip! I have a raging 21 month old at home, her older brothers were sweet docile toddlers so I have been going crazy not knowing what to do with her. I will try this out!
Lindsey Whitney says
I’ll have to give that one a try! My son is almost two and I am finding myself battling him more and more (and not liking it!). I know transitions are tough for kids, so this makes sense. Thanks!
Lindsey @ GrowingKidsMinistry.com
Stacy @Stacy Makes Cents says
I am totally trying this! Thank you! Visiting from Cast Party Wednesday!
Catherine says
Good idea! I didn’t think of that one when my 18 month old behaved in a similar fashion. 2 things were successful for me at avoiding tantrums. 1. Use a timer, when the timer dings, the transition takes place. 2. Say to my son “You don’t want to (whatever/ leave), do you? You are really mad that we have leave. You want to stay a long time, don’t you? I bet you’d like to come back, wouldn’t you? Let’s come back here another day/We’ll play this again tomorrow/We’ll do that after your nap, etc. Stating his feelings out loud when he was too young to express them himself helped avoid tantrums if I did this early enough. Once the tantrum started….well….there was just a tantrum…Good luck! Catherine (new follower)
Reshama says
WE did the exact same thing. I saw a friend doing it and when we had ours, I immediately followed her trick. It worked pretty much everytime. The only time it didn’t was when she was really tired or hungry or anxious.
-Reshama
http://www.stackingbooks.com
Kathy Shea Mormino, The Chicken Chick says
Smart solution! Thank you for sharing with the Clever Chicks Blog Hop this week!
Cheers,
Kathy Shea Mormino
The Chicken Chick
http://www.The-Chicken-Chick.com
Jaci says
Thank you! My oldest had no problem with “2 more slides” or “2 more minutes” so that’s what I was used to. My youngest.. not so much! I’ll start applying this to my dawdler ASAP :)
Crystal & Co says
Oh, I love this! I wonder if it would work with my 7 year old twins who protest from time to time. Which leads to the 4 year old protesting…. you get the idea.
Thank you so much for sharing this on The Mommy Club linky party. Check out your feature here: http://www.crystalandcomp.com/2013/07/best-mom-advice-71613/
carol says
excellent advice. i have forwarded it to my daughters whose babies throw tantrums. this will help a lot.
Jennifer says
Great Idea! This make perfect sense!
Shantha says
Very good tips! We are past the daily tantrums, but one can rear its ugly head every now and then. My ability to remain in control is the best way to simmer things down with my kids.
Georgia says
Tried this with my 4 yr old son and it works like a charm! Thanks for the trick.
Lauren says
How long do you wait between numbers?
Grandma Cindie says
My transition strategy as a young mom often involved music. I had songs I would play for the children while we were transitioning from one thing to the other. When the song was finished, it was time to do whatever. Back in the day, the songs were on record or cassette tape. Ha! Nowadays, those songs could be stored electronically and played wherever.
Thanks for bringing this back to mind…I shall try this with my grandchildren. :-)
Deborah says
This is an excellent tip, especially to avoid tantrums in public. I am a grandmother now but often care for my small grandchildren as well as other small humans in my family. One trick I have always used for tantrums at home, and to this day works 100% of the time is this;
I acknowledge the crying aspect of the tantrum ONLY and tell them in a calm and understanding tone, “it’s perfectly ok if you need to cry, you can cry as long as you need to but you must do it in your room (I then walk or carry them to their room) I then tell them as soon as you are done crying you may come out”
When they do finally come out in a much calmer state I lighten the mood by telling them “I’m gonna get you!” And run after them and tickle them. It’s amazing how in just a short amount of time the tantrum is completely in the past!
Carolyn Wilhelm says
Wonderful idea, for parent and child. I shared this with a young mom. Thanks so much. This leaves the parent in control and explains it from the child’s viewpoint. Makes sense! I saw this on a round up of top posts. Congratulations!
Krista says
I do a similar thing now with my older kids who understand time a little better. We’re leaving in 5 minutes. It does come down to them knowing what is coming and what is expected. I wish I would have thought of counting when they were younger!
SmithA says
This is a good tip! I have a 2 yr old, and what works for us is giving her a heads up about the upcoming change. This gives her time to deal with the situation. If we are doing something off schedule like dad doing the drop off and mom doing pick up (usually its the other way around) then i start talking to her about it from the time i’m getting her dressed.
But i like this..i’ll def use the count till 10 method! Thanks
Kat says
We do what we call the 5 min warning… You have 5 minuets.. until….. the catch to this is: YOU Have to set an alarm because as they get older, they see your not consistent then the whole thing is blown to pieces… ours are older now so when they hear the alarm they will actually tell their friends… Bye I have to go.
vicki says
One day I put this all in perspective for myself. I put myself in the place of my kids. What if I was reading a good book, or right in the middle of a super cute DIY project, and all of the sudden someone came in and said “get up, lets go, time to go to the store” I would be upset. Once I thought of it in those terms, I had a handle on letting the children know that we would be doing something different in just a little bit. We didn’t need to count, but I tried to give them an idea of what was happening and when. Worked wonders :)
Sandra F. says
Actually this method only makes my highly sensitive child even more anxious as i near 10.
I found the 5 more minutes, then 2 more minutes then 1 minute much more effective.
Christina @There's Just One Mommy says
Love how simple this is. And it makes perfect sense. I am always trying to explain to my husband that he can’t expect the kids to just drop what they are doing and change direction the moment he tells them to. They need time.
Jessi says
It is true that a mistake that is made all too often is that people don’t take time to talk to or explain things to their kids.Your concept sounds good in theory, but clearly there are situations where this wouldn’t work. For example if your child were in danger of any sort, you could not spare ten seconds for them to decide to listen to you. Be sure your child recognizes your authority and love for them. And because you love them, you want them to be safe. It makes it hard for mama to keep you safe if you don’t listen.Instant obedience should always be the goal for this reason. There will be times when mama tells you that we will be leaving at the count of ten, or in five minutes, but I am only telling you this to inform you of the change that IS about to take place- I am not giving you to the count of ten to agree with me. ?
Mama C says
Yes this works, at least most of the time. We’ve used this for years but with minutes instead of a 10 second countdown. It gives structure and even a bit of control to the child allowing him to choose how he wants to spend those important moments before having to end a fun activity. For us we don’t have to keep hearing just a few more minutes as we have just given them that privilege and we remain in control.
Thanks for helping head off tantrums Paula!
Helina Tsirel says
I use 3 minute trick. Start with 3 minutes. Whes she playes, I ask for her attention, raise 3 fingers, and say 3 minutes. In a minute, I raise 2 fingers, and say 2 minutes. And so on. When time reaches 0, I say lets go now. The reaction is always better.
Jennifer Abadie says
Hello,
I am a single mother to a 2 year old daughter and she really doesn’t have tantrums outside of our own home, but I am waiting patiently. She has them all the time at home behind closed doors. I take her to her Godmother’s home and she has 3 children that love her. They babysat her last Saturday night and her Godmother was raving how well she was at the baseball fields. With me she screams and cries it’s like we’re talking about two different children. Though, I will say the majority of the thing she is very well behaved. I am going to try counting to ten when she does throw a tantrum. It usually happens when my mom babysit her. Thank you for the advice. I will let you know how she does.
Stephanie says
I love this tip! We will be trying this one ASAP. I feel so bad for both my son AND me whenever they happen. This might very well be the technique that works – everything you say makes sense. Then cannot process such a quick change!
Himali Parikh says
I will definitely try this trick. My trick usually has been on informing my toddler that when mamma says to stop then she has to stop and end that activity. By now she has understood pretty well that mamma lets her do her favorite activities, but, there is time limit. and that is to be followed.
Pooka Box Team says
This is such a key piece — “Counting allows them to hear the words and recognize that they are passing by at a rate with which he is familiar.” Familiarity, terms that kids can understand and process, automatically encourages easier communication. This is a wonderful practice to keep parents engaged, and ultimately in control, while allowing the kids to have some freedom and choice to progress towards the change.
Brooke Roberts says
Such an elegant and simple solution. It makes sense. Still, I’m dreading the results but will try it anyway.
Ray A. says
I’m going to have to try this! !I loved your article. keep it up.
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lili says
What I learned from teaching and in the first couple of years of parenthood is that taking as many opportunities to talk to children without saying “no” is so important. Now as a mother of two, parenting without negative language like “no”,”don’t, and “stop” is an important part of my every single day. It’s all about lessening their use to rewire our kids’ brains for positivity.